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Monday, March 28, 2011

It's Just... Different


I have noticed a strange thing. Our little Frederick has made me feel like someone is missing even more keenly than I did before. Before his birth, I looked at my little family and things had looked unchanged. This last year mirrored the one before. I lived in maternity clothing for months unending. Phineas was gone. I knew that. My heart ached for him constantly, but it was hard to remember that he really was mine.

Our daughters were growing up and I was very used to being the mother of the two little girls. Things seemed almost settled in that way. Despite being pregnant again. I wasn't entirely expecting to have another.

Our baby is here now and I am so happy about it. He fits in perfectly. It does, however, make the space that Phineas would fill much more visible. I have a nearly 4 year gap between Cordelia and Frederick. There is a step missing in our little stair step family. Also, when people comment that I "now have three" I feel more apt to correct them. It is really four. Four children. Three living. One dead. That is my reality. It is okay but not okay. I accept that now. Four children that are mine but only one I cannot hold.


3 remarks:

Annie March 28, 2011 at 2:50 PM  

Your kids are so cute! This is such an interesting post. I've been thinking about the gap in my family, too. If (*sigh* still can't help saying if) and when my little girl arrives safely there will be a 6+ year gap in my family. Up until now the holes left by my sons' deaths seem invisible to the rest of the world, but that gap will be so obvious with a new baby around. I always see the empty spaces where my boys should be and I'm kind of glad that their absence will become more visible to others.

RebeccaDawn March 28, 2011 at 6:15 PM  

I think your realization is one that many of us who have lost a child feel. It is strange....but once there is another baby, the empty space becomes more "apparent."

You're family is beautiful...all four of them!!!

Kathryn March 30, 2011 at 10:04 PM  

Thanks, Annie. I am praying your little girl stays healthy and will be born safely. I definitely think that most of the empty holes left by the death of a child are invisible to others. I wonder how many people would really notice this one, though, that is so apparent to those of us who have lost.

Thank you, Rebecca. I had read a bit about that with others, but never realized how strong it would feel.

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