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Sunday, October 3, 2010

It's Still Me

I know that this blog has become focused mainly on losing Phineas. I wonder sometimes if it has driven some people away from it. Like maybe I am just harping on about something. I suppose I have a hard time feeling "up to" posting about much else. Weird to put it that way, but it seems a reasonable way to describe it. I am still silly sometimes and I have fun with my daughters, I still love movies and talking about names. It is just colored differently. Here, though, I feel private enough to just spill about how I feel having lost a child. No, that is not who I am, but it is shaping who I become. Things that were once happy become bittersweet, changes often bring anxiety accompanying excitement. I'm still me. I am the same, but different.

Over the course of a few weeks following P's life, I learned about others. Others like me. Others that were more than acquaintances. And I had no idea. Others walking around with that hole in their heart that was missing. They hold their lost ones close, but you would never know by looking at them. I guess part of me wants people to know. Not for the pity, but for the assurance that my child really did exist and I want others to know about him. Just to hear someone speak his name out loud makes me beam.

It's still me. I am still a mother. Now I have three, but only two that I can cuddle, yet even they are getting big for my lap. So for now, this is a place where I can speak his name. Phineas. He is my son.

6 remarks:

appellationmountain.net October 3, 2010 at 2:02 PM  

Kathryn, I think about you and yours often. It's good to hear your voice, and I think you should talk about whatever you need to talk about.

Mneme October 4, 2010 at 8:32 AM  

You do not chase me away! I just do not know what to say most times, so I read and feel for you, but do not leave any message.

And of course you should talk of Phineas! It is your blog, your place to ramble or dwell as you please. And he is such a big part of your life right now that it would seem very strange if you did not.

Cinderella October 4, 2010 at 10:23 AM  

You don't drive me away, either. Like Mneme, I usually don't know what to say, but we love you. :) And I also echo that it's your blog, so you should be able to talk about Phineas all you like. :)

Katie October 7, 2010 at 7:59 PM  

Your blog is a beautiful tribute to your whole family! I love reading your updates on your family and I hurt for you while you grieve your deep loss. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings just for a blog or cover up your sadness to make others happy. We're all here for you and love you and I pray for you daily!

Jacquelyn Marie October 8, 2010 at 8:43 AM  

Kathryn, you do not drive anyone away, and you definitely should talk about Phineas! Blogs are cathartic. I think of you and your family often and I wish all the best for you.

Sarah October 21, 2010 at 1:37 PM  

I love you! And Nate. And the girls. And Phineas.

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