Just Around the Bend

Thursday. Thursday it will be a year. A year since Phineas's disastrous birth, miraculous life and all too early death. My heart is pulled so tightly in many directions. I am holding his little brother in my arms. His brother who has already lived twice as long as he did. He is changing so much everyday. I have seen glimpses of Phineas in him from time to time, but he has already grown past him. He has brought so much joy into our lives. I feel so much gratitude for this last year. I miss Phineas so terribly, but I am glad that we had him for the short time we did.

It is such a mix of emotions. Bittersweet in the truest sense. I am now pondering what to do in his day. I want to commemorate but not confuse the girls and remember him without awkwardness as my mother is here.

I wish he were here to eat his cake. I love you, sweet boy.

Read more...

8 Weeks

Today was 8 weeks since Phineas was born. I am doing OK after a couple really hard weeks. The reality of it all is so heavy and overpowering. There have been good moments too. The good moments are increasing I think, and then the hard ones come at those quiet moments, creeping up behind me when my mind starts to wander. I miss his so very much.

Yesterday was Nate's birthday and it was good. I am grateful for him. So very grateful. We had a good evening at the movies and then we had a cake. It was nice to feel a bit more normal again.

I just feel tired and stretched a bit too thin. I am trying to get through it. Walking in the morning, staying busy during the day, trying to accomplish things. Ah, I will get through it. I will.

Read more...

Out of the Nest

Today I went with my friend to her elder son's track meet. The kids were running around playing, Cecily and Cordelia with two other girls around Cecily's age. Calvin, my friend's younger son who is 10, was walking around the trees near the track. He came over worried about a baby bird that was on the ground. Calvin was wondering what he should do to help this little bird. Truly, there was nothing he could do. There was no nest to be found and the little bird could not fly. The fledgling's parents were also incapable of saving it. How sad it is to come across a situation where the outcome is so bleak.

And yet, that is the way of life, one false move, one simple misstep, one moment and the world can change. Death is such a common thing. It happens to every being. Everything with a spirit only has a limited time in their earthly state. Some lives are long and others are so very short. I posted something a couple years ago about how incomprehensible the death of a young child would be. How funny it all seems now. I have now gone to that precipice. I have seen my young son barely live and go on to somewhere I cannot. He has surpassed me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was helpless. My own fledgling out on his own, not able to survive.

That is how it is with death. One moment we are living and going about our day and in another moment it could all change. The only consolation is that while he has shuffled of his mortal coil, Phineas still lives. Always my perfect little baby. Always mine. All is eternal, even the little bird today. I do pray that I can remember that.

Read more...

Another Day

Yesterday marked one month since Phineas' death. I felt more trepidation about the day he would have been a month old. The day of his death was actually rather peaceful. It was hard, yes, but I felt strength that day that I can't describe.

It was so strange. The night before we made an appointment for his death. The thought of doing such a thing is almost sickening. We were supposed to be there at 4 to sign the papers. They had to have two doctors there to sign. The attending doctor, who at first I thought was so distant, but who ended up crying with us over his death, and the resident who was an all business know-it-all.

I woke up that Friday morning feeling nervous and sick about it all. I was not sure how I would absorb it all. Our bishop's wife came an picked up the girls and we drove to New York to the hospital. We received a call from a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she said she was on her way to meet us there.

We arrived and went to his bedside. I stroked his head and little toes while they told us what would happen. We decided to wait in the "transition room" (basically a storage room with a bathroom attached, where we stayed for two nights) while they removed the tubes and wires and cleaned him up. They brought him to us, beautiful and sweet, and his heart was just barely beating. I could feel his spirit near, like he was there reassuring me. We each got to cuddle him with our family members near while he slipped away. The photographer took some wonderful pictures. Then, everyone left us alone with our sweet boy.

By then, he had been confirmed dead, but I just wanted to hold his little body for as long as I could. His hands and feet. His cute little ears just like Nate's. I couldn't imagine letting him go. We cried together over our little boy lost. We wanted him so.

Eventually, I had to give him up to the hospital staff. I put him back in the bassinet and the nurse wheeled him down the hall and out our sight.

That was it. I felt great peace, but my heart was still an ocean of sadness and longing.



So yesterday, didn't feel to bad, but Nate and I just felt overwhelmed and anxious the whole day. I think, inside we knew. A month gone. A lifetime over. A lifetime left to live. We just have to get through it, one day after another. I hope we make it.

Read more...