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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Irrational and Not Okay

Another rough day. It was cold and dreary. Nate was pretty down this morning and I had a restless night. The house went from pretty good, to a complete disaster today. The girls were whiny and then Cecily chopped of Cordelia's hair. I just didn't feel up to much. I am still fighting a cold and it shows no signs of going away.

I drove down to Nate's office and when I was at the intersection where you turn to go to the cemetery, I thought about him. I thought how his poor little body would be so cold. It felt so irrational. I know he is not there. I just kept thinking about how perfect he was. He was so beautiful, with his little button nose, nearly 9 pounds at birth. Strawberry blond hair and big feet. I can still feel his soft skin. Just so perfect, like he could have woken up any second. Oh, how I wish he had!

It seems so many thoughts I have feel so crazy and irrational. I feel angry about people having healthy babies, and angry at pregnant women for complaining over their discomfort. I know, I did complain a little, but most of them will end up with a pink and crying baby in their arms. I can't stand that my innocence about pregnancy is gone. It does not always turn out.

So today I am not okay. I am so incredibly heartbroken and angry.

9 remarks:

Sarah April 28, 2010 at 12:08 PM  

Vent it out, Kathryn. If you need someone to just talk to... just blab away about how you're feeling... cry to and just be angry to... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call me!!! I mean that from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I love love love love you and I wanna do whatever I can, k? Please call me. I'm a great listener. I'll cry with you, k? I wish I was there...

Sadkitty April 30, 2010 at 12:45 AM  

I feel like that all the time, still 3 months later. I wonder if it will ever end. And yes, I have two living children too, but I wanted that one TOO.

Sarah April 30, 2010 at 10:37 PM  

oh how I understand the loss of innocence - that's by far one of the hardest lessons from all of this. Our innocence is gone, as is the innocence of our families and friends. It's something we'll never get back.

Betty M May 3, 2010 at 4:25 AM  

Here from LFCA to express my sympathy for your terrible loss. Thinking of you and your family.

loribeth May 3, 2010 at 9:09 AM  

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry for your loss. If it's any comfort at all, your feelings are completely normal for someone in this awful situation. (((hugs)))

Annie May 3, 2010 at 2:16 PM  

I'm so sorry about your loss. I also have two living children, followed by multiple losses and then infertility, so I'm very angry right along with you. It's so unfair!

PS there seem to be a lot of us Mormon bloggers out there!

van Zwol Family May 7, 2010 at 10:43 PM  

Hey there. . .I can't say I can relate to losing a child. I have shared feelings with being angry about women having healthy babies though.3 out of my 4 have problems and then with the 4th I had a blood clot in my lungs and am now advised not to have any more. Many days I struggle with the kids inside I find myself often inside asking "WHY?!"

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