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Monday, September 5, 2011

The Place Where He Lived

This is something that has been waiting in my brain for awhile. I took this picture when I was 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant with Phineas. It would be another couple weeks before he was born, barely lived, and died. It all happened so quickly. A flash, really. A couple weeks is nothing in life.

A week after this, I was whining and complaining about being pregnant. Wah, wah, wah. I feel ashamed to admit it. I was big. Phineas just felt different, always changing position which was not the most comfortable thing. I ached all over and had a bit of anxiety over the impending home birth. I just wanted him there. Pre-labor had begun and most women who are pregnant can attest to what a mind game it is, wondering when labor will well and truly start.

Lately, I have had several women in my life complaining and complaining about being pregnant. I know it may sound hypocritical, but frankly, it annoys me. I know it's just me. I have a different perspective. I don't expect people to be the happy and carefree pregnant woman I was the first go around, nor do I expect people not to ever complain. Pregnancy is hard and not always the most blissful experience.

I just want women to stop and think for a moment.

To savor what moments they can. The only time I truly believe that Phineas was alive was when I carried him. I wish that I had cherished it more. Remembered his idiosyncrasies and the way he would stretch and shift. To remember what his possible future might have held.

Life is so fleeting. It slips through your fingers and you wake up and realize your child is headed off to school. You never know what kind of time you have. Several years ago, after feeling unwell one evening, my cousin suddenly passed away. He left his wife and young children. Others in the babylost world are well versed in how things can turn from just fine to not suddenly.

This is a reminder for myself as much as anyone, to savor the moments in life with the ones you love. Cherishing your children, even before they are born. Thankfully, most babies are born healthy and robust, children grow to adulthood without much trouble. But still. Still. It should not be taken for granted.

5 remarks:

Annie September 5, 2011 at 11:40 PM  

This is a great reminder for everyone. Loss definitely does make you savor the little things. I see everything so differently now after losing babies and also two siblings, both very suddenly. Unfortunately, it's also made me paranoid - I worry a lot about death lurking just around the corner waiting to snatch someone else away!

van Zwol Family September 14, 2011 at 9:33 AM  

This is good to remember. Not being able to have more children, I have a hard time with those who complain or those who are just pregnant.Life goes quickly and I have to remember to use my time wisely and cherish what I have. Thanks for the post!

Patti September 17, 2011 at 11:30 AM  

oooooh, tears! I am going back to read more- I am so so sorry for your loss!!! :(:(

Esperanza September 26, 2011 at 5:12 PM  

Oh Kathryn, what a beautiful message. One that we all need to take the time to remember. Our babies are only babies for so long. They are only with us for such a short time really. We ought to treasure each day we have with them.

Kaci Uipi October 29, 2011 at 2:40 AM  

I hate that I sound so hypocritical that I write all about how much pregnant people can be so annoying and all that stuff... but now I know better and I'm not going to talk about my future pregnancy unless someone asks me about it or whatever. I mean, I don't think I was "that annoying" I didn't put updates on FB about it, ever. I didn't even announce it to anyone, of course my husband told a thousand people... but I probably was, who knows. Anyway I always think now and try to remember what it was like when Joshua was inside of me. I close my eyes tight and try to go back to that time. He seemed to barely move, barely kick... He would just move his entire back or something but never kick... anyway I try to remember it. I wish it was still like that. I wish I knew how limited my time was going to be. We all do, but that's the sadness (and guilt) that I have to experience.

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