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Monday, May 3, 2010

Another Day

Yesterday marked one month since Phineas' death. I felt more trepidation about the day he would have been a month old. The day of his death was actually rather peaceful. It was hard, yes, but I felt strength that day that I can't describe.

It was so strange. The night before we made an appointment for his death. The thought of doing such a thing is almost sickening. We were supposed to be there at 4 to sign the papers. They had to have two doctors there to sign. The attending doctor, who at first I thought was so distant, but who ended up crying with us over his death, and the resident who was an all business know-it-all.

I woke up that Friday morning feeling nervous and sick about it all. I was not sure how I would absorb it all. Our bishop's wife came an picked up the girls and we drove to New York to the hospital. We received a call from a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she said she was on her way to meet us there.

We arrived and went to his bedside. I stroked his head and little toes while they told us what would happen. We decided to wait in the "transition room" (basically a storage room with a bathroom attached, where we stayed for two nights) while they removed the tubes and wires and cleaned him up. They brought him to us, beautiful and sweet, and his heart was just barely beating. I could feel his spirit near, like he was there reassuring me. We each got to cuddle him with our family members near while he slipped away. The photographer took some wonderful pictures. Then, everyone left us alone with our sweet boy.

By then, he had been confirmed dead, but I just wanted to hold his little body for as long as I could. His hands and feet. His cute little ears just like Nate's. I couldn't imagine letting him go. We cried together over our little boy lost. We wanted him so.

Eventually, I had to give him up to the hospital staff. I put him back in the bassinet and the nurse wheeled him down the hall and out our sight.

That was it. I felt great peace, but my heart was still an ocean of sadness and longing.

So yesterday, didn't feel to bad, but Nate and I just felt overwhelmed and anxious the whole day. I think, inside we knew. A month gone. A lifetime over. A lifetime left to live. We just have to get through it, one day after another. I hope we make it.

5 remarks:

Cristin May 3, 2010 at 6:24 PM  

I clicked on the link for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Wow. What an incredible organization, I can't believe something so brilliant like that exists. That's wonderful.

AussieJenn May 3, 2010 at 8:03 PM  

Oh how heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you lost your sweet baby boy. I don't know what to say. You don't know me, I've come via LFCA. I can only imagine the pain of loss you feel. His death sounds so peaceful, with him in your arms not connected to machines.... That little bit of time holding him will be very precious to you, as will the photographs. So very very sad. I am sorry. You and your family and baby Phineas up there "past the moon" are in my thoughts.

justine May 3, 2010 at 11:06 PM  

What a gift, to hold a spirit so close. I'm so sorry for you.

Annie May 4, 2010 at 1:26 AM  

"Making an appointment for his death" - oh I'm so sorry! Necessary, I know, but how terrible for you! I'm glad you at least had one compassionate doctor to make up for the all business know-it-all. Hoping you're finding moments of peace.

Anonymous,  May 4, 2010 at 8:56 PM  

I am so sorry for the loss of your Phineas. I lost my Madelyn 8 months ago an hour and a half after she was born. I know there is nothing I can say right now to help, but just know someone is thinking of and hurting for you.

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