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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Sunrise, Sunset

There has been a lack of writing. I have done a lot in my head, but when I go to put those thoughts down, my mind goes blank. The last week has had so many ups and downs it is really a roller coaster.

I have thought a lot recently about how life and death are so intertwined. How quickly death followed the almost life of my little son. He never truly lived, except in my womb. He was the most active baby I have had. Always moving, changing positions, stretching out and curled up. He was so full of life. This moving is ultimately what caused his death. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think there was a moment that Nate, our midwife, and I all felt that he truly passed on the way to the hospital. He was so close to life, but he was dead. Then he was resuscitated and brought back. It was truly only a half life. I am not sure how much his spirit was even in his body those nine days. I did feel watched over and like he was merely there for us. He had what he needed and was gone.

I have been struck by how often such things used to occur, when infant death were much more commonplace. Women went into giving birth prepared for death. Death of their baby or their own. Death lingers so close to this pinnacle of life. Most of the time, the outcome is just as it should be. Healthy mother, healthy baby. Not all are so lucky though.

When you look at a picture of a sunrise or sunset, it can often be hard to tell which one it actually is. What separates them is so small, it is an opening or a closing. Sometimes it is indistinguishable.

I suppose in a way it does comfort me. The sunset isn't truly the end. There is always another sunrise.

1 remarks:

IndieBambino June 25, 2010 at 7:46 PM  

I have thought the same thing, that our Henry wasn't truly in his body in the time he spent in the hospital, that he had passed in the car while we drove over the bridge. I remember looking at him in the hospital and being sure that he was not in his body anymore -- and I think a mother would know more than any other.
You're right about the sunset and sunrise too, birth and death hover so close to one another, sometimes becoming entangled.

I understand your grief, it's my own, and we share so many intimate hurts of how our sons died. If I had the power I would give every part of myself up, every breath I have taken or will take, just to bring them back.
My love,

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