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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Birth Story Part 3: Reflections

I am not s superstitious person. I don't really believe in fate. I do, however, believe that some things are meant to be. I also believe in what some would call providence, or serendipity. He was not born the day that I had hoped for. I know it was really silly, but I felt like I had to have some closure of some sort. The dates just lined up.

But of course, he picked his own birthday which just turned out to be his cousin's first birthday. Yes, I had a nephew born three weeks before the start of Phineas's short life. I was jealous. jealous that he lived and my son died. Now, though, I feel so much more acceptance and maybe them sharing a birthday puts it all in perspective. It doesn't really matter.

My midwives and I (though I talked about it with others as well) talked about the old rhyme about the days of the week when babies are born. My first three were born on Wednesday. Perhaps it is a little appropriate that "Wednesday's child is full of woe". Hopefully it is also appropriate that my little Thursday child "has far to go". I joked that it must have been my long labor, but I also hope that he will go far and stick around in this life for a good long while.

As for the reason why I chose another home birth after our experience with Phineas: it felt right. That is the most succinct way to put it. Maybe it helped me to accept what happened or to know that it doesn't always end that way. I am glad I chose it. I was afraid, I struggled a great deal with, but it forced me to trust in God. Trust that whatever happened would be his will, that I am not really in control of life and death. I am grateful for this. It has enriched my testimony of prayer and of the power of God.

It was also great to have everything come full circle. The same two midwives who were there to experience the roller coaster of Phineas's birth were also there to experience his brother's birth. I truly believe it healed a little of all of us there.

And our little Fred, well, he is wonderful. The high from this birth is still going strong. I feel even more fierce love for him and all of my children. How precious they are. I look at this new little person and see reflections of all of his siblings, even Phineas. I wonder who he will be. We are all so excited to find out.

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