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Monday, June 25, 2012


Do you ever just feel so heartsick you want to vomit? That sick feeling in your stomach when things just aren't right? That's me right now.

Today at church, I held a brand new baby boy. He was sweet and lovely. Freddie climbed up next to me and leaned his head in close and smiled and squealed at the baby. At the time, I wanted to hold the baby. I chose to. It was wonderful.

I looked at Freddie and how big my baby boy is in comparison. Huge! This sweet new baby has a sister just a bit older than Freddie, so quite close in age. I've done that, didn't want to do it again. And still.

I have had this pang for another child for awhile now. No, we are not planning it anytime soon, not very good timing. Just wishful thinking, I guess.

Within the next few weeks, we will be headed back to California. It feels like the right choice for us. I have to admit, we stayed here far longer than we should have. Why have we stayed? The cost of living is horrendous, things just haven't worked out the way we planned job wise, and it's hard to be such a distance away from family. Why? Honestly, our boy is here. He's buried in the town we live in. It hurts to have to leave him.

I want him to be near. I want more children, yes, but at this second, I just want the one I can't have. The boy who should be two.

I am just having a moment. Living in Connecticut has felt like our refiner's fire. There is hope and opportunity coming our way. We just have to take the next step. I just wish the next step would have all our children in it. Not one constantly left behind.

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