Nothing More

I start to feel normal and then it hits me all over again. I was wishing I could see Phineas grow. But I can't. What a weight to bear. I want my baby so much. Life feels so incomplete. I don't know that it ever fully will feel complete. I have the rest of my life here to live without my child. The road ahead seems unending.

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Happy Birthday, Cordelia!

Today, well yesterday now, was Cordelia's birthday. She had a great weekend celebrating her birthday. She told everyone who wished her happy birthday that she was no longer little anymore. She is still a squirt to me! I am so thrilled to have a little girl like her in my life she is so full of energy and happiness.

I don't have any pictures as of this moment, but my sister has some, my camera was out of juice. For her THIRD birthday we shopped, went to the park, had chicken nuggets a la Leigh and had a red cake she picked out herself. She wore herself, and us out, sufficiently and happily. It was a really nice weekend. If only we didn't have to go back to the daily grind.

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What Hurts The Most

Tonight, my beautiful 4 year old asked where her baby brother was. After Nate answered, she asked if we could go get him. He said no, we couldn't. She said "I want my baby brother!" Breaks my heart into a million pieces once again.

Nate told me that after what I had heard that she said, "Maybe tomorrow we can go to the moon and ask Jesus for our baby brother back." Oh, Cecily, how I wish we could.

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Mirror of Erised

I need a little humor in my life right now and Awkward Family Photos is one of my favorite sites. Though I can see the humor in this photo, I was also struck by sadness upon seeing it. It reminded of The Mirror of Erised in the Harry Potter series, where Harry sees himself with his deceased parents. Dumbledore tells him that the mirror shows your greatest desires, but warns him that you can waste your entire looking into the mirror. Sometimes your greatest desires are unreachable.

And so it is with me. Looking at what might have been. Flashes of a different future. But then I think I cannot waste my life wishing for something that will never be. I do have hope for what is to come. I need to let go and hold on all at once.

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