Dreams
As I sit here huge and pregnant, with mere weeks left until I deliver, I was thinking about the very few dreams that I have had. People often talk about dreams during pregnancy, speaking to their anxieties about having a baby and being pregnant in general. I have never really had many of those. There was the dream of Phineas during Cordelia's pregnancy, a small one during Cecily's (of a girl with brown hair, not her!) and two during this pregnancy.
Early in the second trimester, I had a dream that I had given birth to a boy, healthy, with my favorite name (of course, we have decided to use it). He was blond and gentle and grew very fast. Then one day, Nate brought home another boy, a young toddler with strawberry blond hair and a button nose. In the dream, he had another name, but it was Phineas, though I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't Phineas. How could that be possible? That he was alive and we had somehow forgotten about him. Soon I was in a store and the older boy was crazy, like many toddlers. He kept running away from me. I just couldn't keep him next to me. I wasn't worried about the younger boy, I was sure he'd be calm and waiting for me in the shopping cart. I woke up worried, that I would just forget Phineas, that I would never be able to keep him near me. I have struggled with how to keep him near despite all the craziness that is going on in our lives, including our new little boy, the one who just waited patiently for me.
Last night, I dreamed about this baby again. As the delivery is nearing, my anxiety level is going up, worried about whether he will be breech, if he will be born safe and well. I was holding my belly and, somehow, I felt a little hand near the top. I thought, oh no, this baby is breech again. The hand about grabbed onto my finger and I was able, to lead him head down. I woke up to a sunny morning and a feeling that somehow he will be able to guide himself and me to a healthy birth.
I pray every day that this will be the case. Today I am choosing to believe and have faith that this will be. Please pray for me that this will be.
