Tragedy

I joke sometimes that since we've moved to Connecticut, there seems to be disaster after disaster and that maybe if we moved, things would go back to normal. Maybe I am not so funny.

We live a few miles away, but attend church in Newtown, Connecticut. The congregants in our ward come from multiple towns in the area. Today, one of the families lost their precious and beautiful six year old daughter. Tomorrow, we were to have a Nativity celebration and she was to have been an angel in the play. Instead, she is a true angel.

I have tried to put together words that would be eloquent or that would really capture the feelings of this day and give it the reverence it deserves, but, I struggle. Even having walked the path of child loss, I can't even begin to comprehend what anguish so many families are dealing with.

I looked so many times at my daughters, who would sit near that little girl in Primary on Sundays, and just thanked my Heavenly Father for each moment I get with them. Thankfully, they put up with my many hugs and squeezes and kisses today.

Tonight, they prayed for this girl's family. Unfortunately, the know death all too well. I prayed that they will turn to God always in the face of tragedy and that we will all continue to hold each other close.

With such a heavy heart, I hope that we can all "mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort."

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A Lifetime

Sorry for the lack of blogging. Life just gets crazy, I guess. Today is eleven years since that day that changed the world. September 11th. Everyone who was old enough can cast their mind back and remember the moments of that day, where they were, what they were doing when those things happened. A friend mentioned today on Facebook that it felt like just yesterday. Yesterday.

No, not yesterday. For me, now, it feels like a lifetime ago. I can remember that day with great clarity, indeed, but its shock and misery pierced another me. A person who was not quite an adult. Someone on the brink. I do remember thinking to myself that day that things, the world, would never be the same. It is rare that one event can cause collective feelings of grief and loss and a different outlook on life.

But our lives are made up of more than just collective experience. I was trying to remember last night when 9/11 started to feel so far away. It was two years ago when a personal and family tragedy rocked our world and we knew that our lives would never be the same.

A couple years ago, Johnson & Johnson had a beautiful ad campaign that featured black and white footage of adorable babies and their parents and at the end it would say, "having a baby changes everything". Indeed. Two weeks ago, my two little girls, my first two babies, went back to school. Cecily in first grade, Cordelia in kindergarten. Their lives have existed only in a post 9/11 world. This changed world is their world. I looked at Cordelia last night and remarked to Nate, "She looks like a kindergartner." I know, of course she does! She is growing up, a lifetime away from what happened 11 years ago.

When Phineas died, our world changed. Our little family was irrevocably different. I stressed and worried about imposing grief on my daughters' young souls. And yet, we are coming through it, bit by bit. But even beyond our family tempest, there has been another lifetime. Freddie was born into a world where 9/11 and his brother's death were just part of the fabric of life. He officially went to nursery on Sunday and again I was just amazed at how quickly things pass.

It is strange to look back at such a tragic and life changing event, back when you were a different person, because really, who is the same after 11 years? It feels like looking into a vision of the past, like in Harry Potter, looking into the pensieve where your mind has stored your experience of events. Each person's would be different, but when you stop and look, you are different and the world is too. But then it is okay. New life springs forth after tragedy and destruction, new lifetimes always being built. This does not diminish what has been lost, only strengthens the knowledge of what should be kept and treasured. Those people and experiences and little lifetimes. The world can be better and not worse because of what happened.

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Huh

Sorry for my super down-in-the-dumps post. I was planning to write something else right after but "going to" doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to.

Funny thing happened.

We were packing boxes. Cleaning. Preparing for the realtor to come over to the house to photograph. We were planning on making a trip cross country to California.

Then, anxiety. An anxious feeling came over me that I could just not shake off. Just like that, we decided to stay. A couple weeks ago, Nate mentioned that maybe "Connecticut wasn't quite done with us yet". I think he was right. Over the last weekend, Nate and I both had so much anxiety and were panicking. Red flags.

So, after a five minute conversation, we changed our minds. I emailed the landlord. Almost instantly, our burden was lifted and we both felt an immediate feeling of relief. We are winging it, yes, but I know this is the right choice. Things are looking better, brighter.

We also made a pact to "live" here. So much of our time here has been spent with us apart. Nate working, me hanging out with the kids.

The past couple days, we have gone swimming on the lake, yes we live on a lake. Nice, huh? It felt like a mini-vacation, a bit of release for us. A renewal.

Hoping for more good things to come.

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Heartsick

Do you ever just feel so heartsick you want to vomit? That sick feeling in your stomach when things just aren't right? That's me right now.

Today at church, I held a brand new baby boy. He was sweet and lovely. Freddie climbed up next to me and leaned his head in close and smiled and squealed at the baby. At the time, I wanted to hold the baby. I chose to. It was wonderful.

I looked at Freddie and how big my baby boy is in comparison. Huge! This sweet new baby has a sister just a bit older than Freddie, so quite close in age. I've done that, didn't want to do it again. And still.

I have had this pang for another child for awhile now. No, we are not planning it anytime soon, not very good timing. Just wishful thinking, I guess.

Within the next few weeks, we will be headed back to California. It feels like the right choice for us. I have to admit, we stayed here far longer than we should have. Why have we stayed? The cost of living is horrendous, things just haven't worked out the way we planned job wise, and it's hard to be such a distance away from family. Why? Honestly, our boy is here. He's buried in the town we live in. It hurts to have to leave him.

I want him to be near. I want more children, yes, but at this second, I just want the one I can't have. The boy who should be two.

I am just having a moment. Living in Connecticut has felt like our refiner's fire. There is hope and opportunity coming our way. We just have to take the next step. I just wish the next step would have all our children in it. Not one constantly left behind.

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