Dreams

As I sit here huge and pregnant, with mere weeks left until I deliver, I was thinking about the very few dreams that I have had. People often talk about dreams during pregnancy, speaking to their anxieties about having a baby and being pregnant in general. I have never really had many of those. There was the dream of Phineas during Cordelia's pregnancy, a small one during Cecily's (of a girl with brown hair, not her!) and two during this pregnancy.

Early in the second trimester, I had a dream that I had given birth to a boy, healthy, with my favorite name (of course, we have decided to use it). He was blond and gentle and grew very fast. Then one day, Nate brought home another boy, a young toddler with strawberry blond hair and a button nose. In the dream, he had another name, but it was Phineas, though I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't Phineas. How could that be possible? That he was alive and we had somehow forgotten about him. Soon I was in a store and the older boy was crazy, like many toddlers. He kept running away from me. I just couldn't keep him next to me. I wasn't worried about the younger boy, I was sure he'd be calm and waiting for me in the shopping cart. I woke up worried, that I would just forget Phineas, that I would never be able to keep him near me. I have struggled with how to keep him near despite all the craziness that is going on in our lives, including our new little boy, the one who just waited patiently for me.

Last night, I dreamed about this baby again. As the delivery is nearing, my anxiety level is going up, worried about whether he will be breech, if he will be born safe and well. I was holding my belly and, somehow, I felt a little hand near the top. I thought, oh no, this baby is breech again. The hand about grabbed onto my finger and I was able, to lead him head down. I woke up to a sunny morning and a feeling that somehow he will be able to guide himself and me to a healthy birth.

I pray every day that this will be the case. Today I am choosing to believe and have faith that this will be. Please pray for me that this will be.

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Name thing

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. While we chose a unusual name, it came with an up and coming nickname. Finns are everywhere, and mine is not. Four years ago we chose that name. It fit. It was and is his name, and I don't regret using it. It just cuts a little harder than I thought it would. Damn.

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Thanks Giving

I wanted to thank you all out there for your kind words an responses. I have written so many things for this blog and neglected publishing. I feel like I repeat myself so much. I guess I think life has so much repetition that it sort of makes sense. My logic and justification and faith all running in circles. Maybe I will learn eventually.

Thanksgiving was great. I came home last night feeling on a higher note, on a bit of happiness, I guess. We had a wonderful meal. I love getting into cooking and baking. We enjoyed the company of just a couple family members and a small handful of friends. I thought I would miss my family traditions, but in a way, I suppose we have made a bit of a new family here.

There is so much I have to be thankful for. I can't express how richly blessed our family has been since last November. I truly can say that I have so much gratitude for our little boy. He has been a gift in so many ways. I ache for him, and miss him, but I cannot deny what a powerful force his life has been. He has changes us, caused us to grow. Be more connected through the long hours we spend apart. Phineas was and is a gift. A pure gift.

There is a lot of stress these days, and I worry that it can get the best of me. I just have to keep moving forward. Trying to be better. I have such amazing children. My daughters have just been remarkable. They are sensitive and smart and caring. They are not perfect, but they teach me.

I am so grateful for Nate. He is juggling a lot right now, and I give him so much grief. We have been married for 7 years and I have looked back and thought how crazy it all was for us to meet, get engaged, and marry in such a short time. We have changed a lot, but our love has increased so much more than I thought it ever could.

God has richly blessed us. Though I may not know the end from the beginning, I know that He is there for me. I could not have made it through these last 8 months without Him as my guide. That is the thanks I have to give.

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It's Still Me

I know that this blog has become focused mainly on losing Phineas. I wonder sometimes if it has driven some people away from it. Like maybe I am just harping on about something. I suppose I have a hard time feeling "up to" posting about much else. Weird to put it that way, but it seems a reasonable way to describe it. I am still silly sometimes and I have fun with my daughters, I still love movies and talking about names. It is just colored differently. Here, though, I feel private enough to just spill about how I feel having lost a child. No, that is not who I am, but it is shaping who I become. Things that were once happy become bittersweet, changes often bring anxiety accompanying excitement. I'm still me. I am the same, but different.

Over the course of a few weeks following P's life, I learned about others. Others like me. Others that were more than acquaintances. And I had no idea. Others walking around with that hole in their heart that was missing. They hold their lost ones close, but you would never know by looking at them. I guess part of me wants people to know. Not for the pity, but for the assurance that my child really did exist and I want others to know about him. Just to hear someone speak his name out loud makes me beam.

It's still me. I am still a mother. Now I have three, but only two that I can cuddle, yet even they are getting big for my lap. So for now, this is a place where I can speak his name. Phineas. He is my son.

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