8 Weeks

Today was 8 weeks since Phineas was born. I am doing OK after a couple really hard weeks. The reality of it all is so heavy and overpowering. There have been good moments too. The good moments are increasing I think, and then the hard ones come at those quiet moments, creeping up behind me when my mind starts to wander. I miss his so very much.

Yesterday was Nate's birthday and it was good. I am grateful for him. So very grateful. We had a good evening at the movies and then we had a cake. It was nice to feel a bit more normal again.

I just feel tired and stretched a bit too thin. I am trying to get through it. Walking in the morning, staying busy during the day, trying to accomplish things. Ah, I will get through it. I will.

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Out of the Nest

Today I went with my friend to her elder son's track meet. The kids were running around playing, Cecily and Cordelia with two other girls around Cecily's age. Calvin, my friend's younger son who is 10, was walking around the trees near the track. He came over worried about a baby bird that was on the ground. Calvin was wondering what he should do to help this little bird. Truly, there was nothing he could do. There was no nest to be found and the little bird could not fly. The fledgling's parents were also incapable of saving it. How sad it is to come across a situation where the outcome is so bleak.

And yet, that is the way of life, one false move, one simple misstep, one moment and the world can change. Death is such a common thing. It happens to every being. Everything with a spirit only has a limited time in their earthly state. Some lives are long and others are so very short. I posted something a couple years ago about how incomprehensible the death of a young child would be. How funny it all seems now. I have now gone to that precipice. I have seen my young son barely live and go on to somewhere I cannot. He has surpassed me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was helpless. My own fledgling out on his own, not able to survive.

That is how it is with death. One moment we are living and going about our day and in another moment it could all change. The only consolation is that while he has shuffled of his mortal coil, Phineas still lives. Always my perfect little baby. Always mine. All is eternal, even the little bird today. I do pray that I can remember that.

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Handbook For Grief

When your baby dies, no one at the hospital gives you a handbook for how to grieve. Especially not one you barely knew. There is no one to tell you how you are supposed to get through it. No one tells you about the ups and downs and going through the process time and time again.

I know there is no right way or wrong way. I want to go back to normal but I do not want to forget. As irrational as it may seem, trying to move on can fill me with guilt. Doing normal, everyday things can feel like a betrayal. But then, I think, what is the alternative? To be awash in sadness every moment of the day? No. My friend told me that after her sister passed, she had similar feelings, but that your mind and body want to protect themselves. They don't want to feel pain. So, we escape. And that is OK.

Then, some days are hard. Yesterday was not easy. Phineas would have been 4 weeks old. I imagined a little bit of what my girls were doing at that age. That's when the emotion comes crashing down. In some ways, it is like you are standing on a beach, right where the waves are coming in. The water will pull back and you will barely feel wet and you feel like you can move quite easily. Then a wave comes and you can take it. It isn't too bad. And then there are those waves that take you by surprise. They don't look to bad, but then when they arrive, they knock you over. It is a process that repeats over and over.

Some day, my feet are barely touched, and others, I feel much deeper, with waves of emotion making me almost incapable of control. I cannot allow myself to get too deep, as i know I am a person prone to depression and guilt. Having my girls around from day to day really helps. I think the pain would be unimaginable if I had no other children. I know someday, I will walk higher on the beach, further away from the tide and better able to appreciate it.

I have to convince myself that I can be happy. That is what Phineas would want for me. And I should not feel guilty about it.

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Hello, Mr. President!

No matter your personal opinion on Barack Obama, you cannot deny the historical significance of this day. I honestly didn't think that he would make it this far. I just hope and pray that he will be able to do something good as president and remain a good man. That is what you can do. Vote with your heart and mind and pray for the best. You never really know what will happen, what circumstances will fall upon a president.

I am feeling a bit proud of my country right now. Anyone can be something, anyone can be president. Just to see the hope and the reaction of people of all backgrounds today has been one of the best days in my "political" life.


Hail to the Chief!




PS: I will update soon. I have just been sick and tired and a bit depressed for the last few weeks, but the outlook is feeling brighter!

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Trying To Be Grateful

At the last general conference, Elder Bednar gave a talk about prayer. He suggested that perhaps we should pray sometimes without asking for anything. It really stuck with me.

I realized that when I prayed, I often asked for more than I said that I was grateful for. So for about a month, I kept thinking about it and finally, a couple weeks ago, I thought that I would take him up on this challenge. I have been praying mostly without asking God for anything, unless there was something that was very essential I needed.

It has actually made me feel much happier and far less stressed. Stress and worry seem to be a big force in my life. I have been grateful, and I have been given some of the things that I usually pray for. Just the spirit of gratitude in my life has improved it.

It really is just coincidence that I am writing this the day before Thanksgiving. But, I hope that I carry this spirit of gratitude throughout the year. I also challenge you to pray with gratitude. Let this holiday be the starting point.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas?

(I will do a Halloween post soon, I promise!)




I know that these are somewhat dismal times in a lot of ways considering the economy and the war and people like the thought of the most wonderful time of the year. ESPECIALLY for retailers, and boy do they have to get going early. I shouldn't be stressing about Christmas presents before Thanksgiving, but I am! And advertisements are telling me I ought to be!

I mean, I love Christmas as much as the next guy and have been known to watch a Christmas movie in July. But that is my choice. But with some radio stations playing Christmas music and the bombardment of advertisers, it is hard to avoid, even for me, who barely watches TV and hardly listens to the radio.

And then we wonder why we feel such a letdown come January. So much build up for just a day. (Hmm, sort of reminds me of our election!) If only it were just a little less stressful a more enjoyable. Simple and special. It makes Thanksgiving feel like just a warm up to Christmas.

One of my favorite movies is "About A Boy" and there is a moment where Will is at the market and he hears the Christmas song his father wrote. "November the sodding nineteenth they were playing it..." Of course, I love that because that is my birthday! Growing up, I never thought about Christmas until it was actually December. We had a little tradition of putting up some decorations on the first. Three or four weeks of Christmas is plenty. Enough to enjoy, not so much that you are exhausted with the idea by the time December 25th comes around.

So, that will be my mantra. No Christmas until December. Yes, I will be shopping, but there will be no carols and no decorations until then

Viva la revolucion de Navidad!

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I Am Grateful

On Sunday, we had a lesson on death. With a focus on the death of young children. It is so difficult to imagine the experience of losing a child. Today, it is pretty rare to hear of people losing their child whether near birth or losing a child who is an adult. We think that this should never happen to us. We are so insulated from death, well, at least I am. Most people that I have known that have passed were older. More the age where we feel people should die.

I am so glad that I have such healthy and vibrant children and healthy pregnancies. I cannot imagine the anguish of those who have suffered such losses. The gospel is so comforting and reassuring in these cases, but it is still a shock to your life and emotions.

I am so grateful for these little girls, as irritating as they can be some days. I just can't wait to see them grow and become their own people. I thank God everyday for these blessings.

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Questions...

So, the other day while at Disneyland (more on that later), my lovely sister in law and I were discussing the questions people ask young people especially.


After you graduate high school, it's "What are you going to do with your life?" "Are you going to college?" etc. Then when you meet someone, it's "When are you getting married?" In Mormon culture, this question is especially prevalent because we are a marrying people, usually with short engagements. It feels almost incessant, and becomes almost a chore to answer.

Then you get married and the cry is "When are you starting a family?" "Are you ready for a baby?" Even sometimes, "Are you pregnant?" This sort of questioning can become draining. It gets almost ridiculous. At church, if you have been married more than a few months you get hounded, often very kindly, about when your prospective baby is to arrive. In my case and that of my sister in law, we wanted to be married for awhile. Just married, no pregnancy hormones making you into a fat faced (credit goes to Cristin), hormonal crazy person. I felt like I was really not ready for well over a year. It's OK, we certainly have plenty of time to "go forth and multiply" without being asked why not sooner.

For some, this type of questioning goes beyond annoyance to just plain inconsiderate. Infertility is very real and emotionally draining to couples who experience it. So, lay off the questions!

Of course, when you finally reach the point of pregnancy, more questions are thrown at you, more often by complete strangers. Everyone wants to know, when are you due, what are you having, do you have a name picked out? Ad nauseum. Yes, I am, it's a girl, yes, I know I am small, we're still discussing names.... Blah blah, blah....

Hurrah, a baby has arrived and then you are asked all of the stats. This is usually fine because most moms I know, especially new ones enjoy talking about their babies.

You'd think the questioning will end! Nope, not so! No sooner than your baby turns 6 months, the question of another comes up. Sheesh. So here I have my second beautiful girl and people are asking if we are going to "try for a boy." Sure, a boy would be lovely, but what is it to you? You do not need to know my private reproductive affairs! Thank you very much. And no, I don't really care whether I have a boy or not. The gender of my children does not make my family complete!

I know that most people mean well and are mostly just curious about your life and well being, but please, just let me tell you on my own terms and support me in the decisions I make! I am also guilty of asking these questions, but I try to restrain myself as I often do not know all of the other circumstances in someone's life.

I appreciate the curiosity and concern and I must prepare myself for the next round of questioning.

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