An Unholy Mess Of A Girl

Where do we go from here?

2011-11-29T02:44:00.001-05:00

I have a conundrum. I stared this blog partly due to peer pressure. I posted about everyday events, funny stuff and things I was interested in. Then Phineas died, and i became a blog mostly about him. Now that we have Frederick, I feel like I have moved to another chapter. I am not sure what this chapter is. Post baby death, post rainbow baby birth. I know that I should just post about what I want and it should be fine. I am hesitant. I am likely overestimating my readership, since I barely post and when I feel moved to do so, I write about my dead son, but I feel sensitive about who is reading. I am protective of my own feelings and more concerned of others as well, because I have hurt others through this blog.

So, where do I go from here?

Here, there and everywhere...

2011-11-28T03:17:00.001-05:00

It all starts simply enough. I am horribly behind on laundry. Seriously, I have been way behind for months. There are too many clothes. The girls clothes need sorting. What to keep, what to toss, and the storing of off season clothes now that winter will be settling in in a matter of just a couple weeks.

There are mountains of clothes waiting to be washed. Loads waiting to be folded and put away. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy a shirt. The shirt. The one I wore when he died. A grey blue half sleeve, flowy thing my husband's sister had given me. I think I wore it because it fit.

Oddly enough, I have been able to wear it since. It hasn't bothered and teased me like the outfit I chose for his funeral. They had a singular purpose and have not been touched since. I want to get rid of it, though something just makes me stop.

This time, spotting that blue top about knocked the wind out of me. In my head, the lyrics of John Lennon's song went through my head. The song that I sang so quietly to my little boy when I held him once in the NICU, "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy..."

In that moment, I just panicked. I struggled to think of him, the way that his soft skin felt under the heating element on his bed. I worried that I was losing him. I hadn't shed a tear for him in many days.

I was getting so mixed up, my little fiery boy and his baby brother. Their existence so interconnected and weaved together through fate and circumstance. I have a baby. He is magic for us. But I have another, one who came and went so quickly I can't reconcile it to reality sometimes.

And then I wonder. And worry. Is it enough? What is right? How should I remember my boy? Am I OK? Nearly 20 months have passed and the world moves on, farther away each second. Am I lingering too long?

I have to remind myself that he's fine, that I will see him again. But I also wish him to be here. The constant struggle in my head about being his mother without him.

This is where my mind goes at the sight of a blue shirt.

The Place Where He Lived

2011-09-05T01:05:00.002-04:00

This is something that has been waiting in my brain for awhile. I took this picture when I was 38 weeks, 5 days pregnant with Phineas. It would be another couple weeks before he was born, barely lived, and died. It all happened so quickly. A flash, really. A couple weeks is nothing in life.

A week after this, I was whining and complaining about being pregnant. Wah, wah, wah. I feel ashamed to admit it. I was big. Phineas just felt different, always changing position which was not the most comfortable thing. I ached all over and had a bit of anxiety over the impending home birth. I just wanted him there. Pre-labor had begun and most women who are pregnant can attest to what a mind game it is, wondering when labor will well and truly start.

Lately, I have had several women in my life complaining and complaining about being pregnant. I know it may sound hypocritical, but frankly, it annoys me. I know it's just me. I have a different perspective. I don't expect people to be the happy and carefree pregnant woman I was the first go around, nor do I expect people not to ever complain. Pregnancy is hard and not always the most blissful experience.

I just want women to stop and think for a moment.

To savor what moments they can. The only time I truly believe that Phineas was alive was when I carried him. I wish that I had cherished it more. Remembered his idiosyncrasies and the way he would stretch and shift. To remember what his possible future might have held.

Life is so fleeting. It slips through your fingers and you wake up and realize your child is headed off to school. You never know what kind of time you have. Several years ago, after feeling unwell one evening, my cousin suddenly passed away. He left his wife and young children. Others in the babylost world are well versed in how things can turn from just fine to not suddenly.

This is a reminder for myself as much as anyone, to savor the moments in life with the ones you love. Cherishing your children, even before they are born. Thankfully, most babies are born healthy and robust, children grow to adulthood without much trouble. But still. Still. It should not be taken for granted.

Just putting this right here...

2011-06-07T00:20:00.002-04:00

I grew up on music that my sisters loved. The Eurythmics were heard quite often and I have been a fan of Annie Lennox ever since.

Only since becoming a babylost mother did I discover that Annie Lennox was one as well. In 1988, her son, Daniel, was stillborn. I have rediscovered her music and under the veil of baby loss, her music sounds so different. Themes of loss are common (she also lost both parents to cancer).

I just wanted to share, and just because I love her music anyway.

This song has long been a favorite of mine, and the lyrics really speak to me at this moment:

4 Years

2011-06-06T23:44:00.002-04:00

It is hard to believe that four years ago, I was snuggling my beautiful second daughter for the first time. Cordelia's labor was 10 hours, almost exactly, from start to finish. It was my first time going trough labor. It was hard, but so easy by the time it was over. She was posterior. She wanted to do things her own way! Not unlike her siblings, I guess. I recall being amazed that, even from the start, she was so different from her sister. Her own little spirit.

As the years have gone by, we have discovered just how different they are. Cordelia is abrupt, friendly and a bit temperamental. She can go from one emotion to another in a millisecond. She is a word smith and always wants her voice to be heard. She is independent, mostly, though maybe her self sufficiency is a result of being very much her mommy's girl for a couple years solid. There are so many layers to each person, it is amazing to see each part grow and develop as the get older.

I am so grateful to have her as a daughter. She lifts my spirit when I am down, adore her brother and a best friend to her sister. A wonderful and amazing girl!

Happy Birthday, Wia!

Right Where I Am: 14 Months

2011-05-31T20:30:00.002-04:00

Fourteen months. It almost feels impossible that so much time has passed. I survived a year, I keep surviving. It doesn't seem like much, breathing in an out, trying to hold things together enough. At the beginning, the months went agonizingly slow. I just wanted to be further down the road. further away from the pain. All of a sudden, here I am with a new baby at my breast, wondering if he's anything like his brother might have been.

And guess what? It still hurts. Just as deeply as did before. The difference now I think is that it comes less often, I'm more distracted and I can hide it better than I did before.

To be perfectly honest, though, I am also happier. The lows are just as low, but the highs are higher. I drink more deeply from the happiness of my children. My smiley baby certainly does a lot to extinguish my pain.

There are moments that jump up at me and I have a flashback to that terrible night he came out the wrong way. The pain and fear are palpable and so very fresh. I am not sure that I will ever forget that. A sort of personal flashbulb memory. The sights, sounds and smells that night come back in very real ways.

My view on why he died has changed a bit, and my faith in God has increased. I still
wish for him, but I know it's just a passing thought. I know I can't have him now. I know it and yet I still imagine what he'd be like.

For a long time, I refused to think that his little brother looked like him, for fear that I'd replaced him. But his brother does look like him, and I get a glimpse of what might have been. Sometimes I catch sight of a little boy toddling around and remember, but my son isn't there. I feel like I will imagine what he'd be no matter how long its been.

I know someone with children my age who lost her son after his birth. I wonder if she's imagined. I would bet she has, counting the years silently. Silently, because people don't really care to hear about it for the most part. Those who do are certainly treasured. But unfortunately, the path of grief is often quite lonely.

And that is right where I am. 14 months later. Full of Joy and sadness and everything in between.

Join the conversation. Link your blog to Angie's blog and let other babylost parents know where you are in your grief.

Names

2011-05-20T23:10:00.000-04:00

I thought of writing a post similar to this awhile ago (meaning a couple years!) but now, I feel the subject is more relevant and much more significant.

My interest in names started when I was a child. It wasn't a huge interest but I would notice names that were unusual and was interested in what they meant. As a young teenager, back in early internet days, I did a lot of searching for names. The names were mostly Scandinavian in origin. I suppose to reflect my father's heritage. Names like Mette and Arvid were incredibly appealing to me. My brief dabbling in a name forum earned me a stern talking to from my mother. No more.

It wasn't until I got married that my interest in names was rekindled. I immersed myself in it. It wasn't so much an interest in naming a child, surprisingly enough, just a renewed interest in meanings and trends. It also made me a bit of a snob. I was only interested in names that were uncommon. The idea of naming a child something in the Top 500 names was unthinkable (ha!). Unless it was something time tested and waning in popularity like George or Anne. The older and more outdated the better (Nate still teases me that I like anything that is old and ugly. Read: Maude and Agnes). I raised my nose at the super popular names like Jayden and the like (not so much anymore), as well as anything made up (coughNevaehcough).

Now that I have named four children, my snobbery has changed a bit. I know what it is like to call a living person a name and also choosing a name for someone who didn't. I am more tolerant of what people choose and why they choose the names they do. I know how a name becomes someone and how they become a name. A name so tied to a particular identity that you cannot disassociate it from who a person is and how it shapes who they become.

So without further ado, I would like to share the names we have chosen for our children.

Cecily Ruth:

When I was a teenager, I was on a road trip to my grandmother's house. We had a pit stop at a mall. I went into a discount book store and picked up some one dollar books to read along the way. One book was an Oscar Wilde play. I had never been exposed to his work before and I fell in love with it. The language, the comedy, all that was in "The Importance of Being Earnest". I also fell in love with the name Cecily. When I got pregnant years later, the name immediately came to mind. It was perfect. Though, Nate didn't agree. Later, I learned it was just a misunderstanding and that he loved it, too. At the time, my grandmother was struggling with a bout of cancer and I felt strongly that we should somehow incorporate her name into the baby's name. And so, Cecily Ruth it became. I love that she has the name connection with my only living grandparent. She also shares a birth month and hair color with her awesome great-grandmother.

Cordelia Susannah:

Ha! Well, after the dream I had while I was pregnant with her, for awhile, I thought it must be a boy. Then, I became increasingly convinced that it was a girl and that we should choose a name for her. Nate wouldn't budge until we learned her sex at a scan. Names that we had previously considered with Cecily were out and we were sort of at a loss. We somehow agreed on the name Alice but then one evening , as I was huge and pregnant, Alice Cooper came on a talk show. I freaked out. No way did I want her to share a name with him! (I wasn't exactly rational at the time!) I mentioned the name Cordelia in passing to Nate one evening and he said, "How about that?" Yay! I loved that it had a literary connection as well, though comments have tended more toward Anne of Green Gables rather than King Lear. I don't mind that, I am a devoted fan of L. M . Montgomery (Lucy Maud, any guesses where my love for Maud came from?). We were split on middle names. I wanted Mary and Nate wanted Lorraine. As I was poring over our family trees, the name Susannah kept popping up. In my head, she became Cordelia Susannah, I couldn't shake it. I didn't tell Nate until after she was born. I had just barely pushed her out and he was asking me what her middle name was. Susannah just sort of came out. It suits her, I guess!

Phineas John:

The name Phineas also came from our family tree. Nate had multiple ancestors named this. I fell in love with it when I was pregnant with Cordelia. Phineas James was what we had selected until I had that dream. John, instead, became his middle name. I knew I would have a son named this. When Cordelia was born, female, of course, I had a feeling my next child would be Phineas. My beautiful boy. I had no idea that some of the dream became reality. My son, my Phineas. His name. So perfectly suited. He even looked like a Phineas. The meaning of the name, though debated, means "oracle" which seems so incredibly appropriate.

Frederick James:

Fred. The family name for the ages. I will have to remember all of the Freds. Nate's father and also maternal grandfather have Fred, just Fred, as a middle name. He also has a great-uncle and great grandfather named Fred. His aunt is Freda as was his grandmother. Just to add to the fun, we thought Frederick would fit in quite well. Not Fred, but just a bit more elaborate. It also had a literary connection and a connection to an historical figure I have admired since I was in school, Frederick Douglass. Nate felt strongly about using the name James. When I was in labor, we finalized the name. Funny how it was the middle name we'd considered for Phineas, but was more fitting for his younger brother. I love that connection. And then, shortly after he was born, we'd learned of Uncle Jim's cancer. After Jim's passing, we both felt that the name James was to honor and remember him, though it seemed merely coincidental.

If you have made it through all of that, I congratulate you. I love how multi-layered the names of our children have become. How one generation follows into another. How lives can touch simply by sharing a bit of our identities, our names.

Easter and Everything Else

2011-05-06T15:39:00.004-04:00

I wrote a post about names, but events changed what that was meant to be before I published it. I will still post it with the events that I will share here.

Easter. Easter is so different for me now. Last year, Phineas died on Good Friday. Two days later was Easter. A day that I have very little memory of really. I was in such a state of shock. It also happened to be General Conference for the Church. I did not watch. Many people said later that there were so many messages that seemed meant for us. I am still meaning to read all of the messages from that day, but I have not done it yet.

Though Easter came later this year, memories of the prior year were very strong. Spring took a few weeks longer to "spring" so to speak, so it looked similar outside. The daffodils, the trees just barely getting leaves. It was as though everything was coming full circle.

Easter. A time of remembering Christ's resurrection. A time of rebirth and renewal. And you know what, I did feel renewed. New life has come to our family. I felt so incredibly blessed. The beauty of the Connecticut spring was a blessing last year and is a blessing again this year. This Easter was on the 24th, thirteen months after Phineas's birth. The first time I didn't dread the date.

We had a beautiful day. Church where we visited with friends. An egg hunt in the drizzling rain and dinner with my sister. A walk along the lake. A lovely low key day. A day to remember and look forward.

That picture makes me laugh. The joy of photographing children.

And then, we were blindsided again. A few days later, Nate's uncle Jim passed away. After only a few weeks of knowing he had cancer at all, he succumbed to it. No one knew how quickly it would take his life. So it is I suppose. We are well versed in how things can go from being fine to not.

The night before his passing, I was washing dishes after the kids were asleep. I thought about life and death worried about Uncle Jim and who he might leave behind. I thought about my little boy and the purpose of his life. Why some lives are so short and others are not. When Nate got home, we discussed some of these things. Why some things happen, about death and life.

I feel like Phineas's life and death made me a better person. Would I go back if I could and change things to have him here? The answer is no. I would so love to have him here, toddling around and giving snuggles and laughs to us, learning to talk. But to gain one thing, others must be sacrificed. There is no way around it. I like the person I am becoming, as shattered and destroyed I was, I am slowly piecing together a new and better me. Because of Phineas.

I remember Jim as such a kind person. Someone who wanted everyone to feel welcome. I was overwhelmed by Nate's family when I first met them. Jim was one who was so friendly and straightforward. The way he cared for people is definitely well worth emulating. Nate tells me he was one of his favorite uncles (shh, don't tell!). A man truly missed.

You can never go back and change things, you can only remember and take the lessons life has taught us, cherish the gifts and memories others have given us, and move forward.

So long, Jim. x

Internet Dumb

2011-04-10T23:19:00.002-04:00

I am working on another post, but there is something that is bugging me. For whatever reason, my blog is somehow linking on other people's blog posts. I have no idea how I am doing it. It happens when I visit certain blogs. It increases the traffic here, but it seems a little awkward. If anyone has any idea how I am doing this, I'd love to know. :)

The End of His Week

2011-04-03T00:18:00.002-04:00

Today (it is now after midnight, so not exactly today) marks the first anniversary of my little boy's death. The day we last held him in our arms. The day we had too return him the nurse. Never to see him in our waking, earthly life.

I wish I held him longer. I suppose, however, no time would have been long enough.

I have spent the last 9 days recalling what we had done 1 year prior. It hardly seems possible that this much time could have already passed. His birthday was incredibly hard. It did not turn out the way I had hoped. Nate's schedule does not allow for us do much of anything on weekdays and weekends are spent doing things that are more pragmatic. I wrote a couple of things that just felt to personal to post.

My arms still wish for him, my hear aches to see him. I have a lifetime more of years to get through before I can.

It's Just... Different

2011-03-28T00:10:00.004-04:00

I have noticed a strange thing. Our little Frederick has made me feel like someone is missing even more keenly than I did before. Before his birth, I looked at my little family and things had looked unchanged. This last year mirrored the one before. I lived in maternity clothing for months unending. Phineas was gone. I knew that. My heart ached for him constantly, but it was hard to remember that he really was mine.

Our daughters were growing up and I was very used to being the mother of the two little girls. Things seemed almost settled in that way. Despite being pregnant again. I wasn't entirely expecting to have another.

Our baby is here now and I am so happy about it. He fits in perfectly. It does, however, make the space that Phineas would fill much more visible. I have a nearly 4 year gap between Cordelia and Frederick. There is a step missing in our little stair step family. Also, when people comment that I "now have three" I feel more apt to correct them. It is really four. Four children. Three living. One dead. That is my reality. It is okay but not okay. I accept that now. Four children that are mine but only one I cannot hold.

Just Around the Bend

2011-03-21T20:11:00.003-04:00

Thursday. Thursday it will be a year. A year since Phineas's disastrous birth, miraculous life and all too early death. My heart is pulled so tightly in many directions. I am holding his little brother in my arms. His brother who has already lived twice as long as he did. He is changing so much everyday. I have seen glimpses of Phineas in him from time to time, but he has already grown past him. He has brought so much joy into our lives. I feel so much gratitude for this last year. I miss Phineas so terribly, but I am glad that we had him for the short time we did.

It is such a mix of emotions. Bittersweet in the truest sense. I am now pondering what to do in his day. I want to commemorate but not confuse the girls and remember him without awkwardness as my mother is here.

I wish he were here to eat his cake. I love you, sweet boy.

Don't Know What To Think

2011-03-18T01:27:00.004-04:00

Several months ago, a woman I had been on a forum with for several years was having a baby. It was a girl, but she had list of "just in case" names for boys. Phineas John was one of them. She had lost her son, a stillbirth, a few years before. I thought she was aware of my story and my son's name. Maybe she just didn't pay much attention. It hurt, though. Nate told me how silly I was being about it, but I remained resentful, a fact I am a bit ashamed to admit. The baby was born, it was a girl as expected, but she was the "almost" woman.

Today I found out that I inadvertently became that woman, the one who named a baby the same name as another lost baby. I felt and still feel sick about it. I found this fellow BLM from a fairly well known loss forum where I rarely post but often read. She is more active there so I feel like I should just bow out altogether because I am the witch who stole a dead baby's name.

I can honestly say I did not know this baby's full name. Frederick was a name that we had considered long before and might have used had Phineas not been Phineas. It was a name to honor all of the Freds in my husband's family, and there are many. It was a name I had dreamt about this baby being named. His middle name was one that I hadn't completely wanted, but it was important to Nate and it actually fits better than I thought it would. I feel like it suits him.

I don't know why I feel the need to justify this choice so much. I have long felt that the names of babies that have died hold a special sacred spot in the universe. But then, the name was so right for our little boy. It is hard to reconcile the two, indeed.

It may seem all so strange to outsiders, but I have committed a babyloss taboo. I don't know, I may just end up deleting this post.

Birth Story Part 3: Reflections

2011-03-17T02:45:00.003-04:00

I am not s superstitious person. I don't really believe in fate. I do, however, believe that some things are meant to be. I also believe in what some would call providence, or serendipity. He was not born the day that I had hoped for. I know it was really silly, but I felt like I had to have some closure of some sort. The dates just lined up.

But of course, he picked his own birthday which just turned out to be his cousin's first birthday. Yes, I had a nephew born three weeks before the start of Phineas's short life. I was jealous. jealous that he lived and my son died. Now, though, I feel so much more acceptance and maybe them sharing a birthday puts it all in perspective. It doesn't really matter.

My midwives and I (though I talked about it with others as well) talked about the old rhyme about the days of the week when babies are born. My first three were born on Wednesday. Perhaps it is a little appropriate that "Wednesday's child is full of woe". Hopefully it is also appropriate that my little Thursday child "has far to go". I joked that it must have been my long labor, but I also hope that he will go far and stick around in this life for a good long while.

As for the reason why I chose another home birth after our experience with Phineas: it felt right. That is the most succinct way to put it. Maybe it helped me to accept what happened or to know that it doesn't always end that way. I am glad I chose it. I was afraid, I struggled a great deal with, but it forced me to trust in God. Trust that whatever happened would be his will, that I am not really in control of life and death. I am grateful for this. It has enriched my testimony of prayer and of the power of God.

It was also great to have everything come full circle. The same two midwives who were there to experience the roller coaster of Phineas's birth were also there to experience his brother's birth. I truly believe it healed a little of all of us there.

And our little Fred, well, he is wonderful. The high from this birth is still going strong. I feel even more fierce love for him and all of my children. How precious they are. I look at this new little person and see reflections of all of his siblings, even Phineas. I wonder who he will be. We are all so excited to find out.

Birth Story Part 2: Thursday's Child

2011-03-17T02:40:00.004-04:00

Thursday. 2 am. A mere three hours of rest! I woke up to contractions like crazy. For about an hour, I had them every 4-6 minutes. Of course, I panicked. Not wanting to be having a baby before the midwife arrived, I called K at about 3:15. Apparently, she had jerked awake several minutes before as though she were expecting my call. She answered before the second ring! I told her what was going on and that I thought it was time she come (especially with a two hour drive ahead of her).

I showered (wonderful!) and then wandered around a bit while poor Nate tried to get a little shuteye. After the phone call, of course, my contractions slowed (a harbinger of the rest of the day, perhaps?). I worried that I was making her come to early or that I was just overanxious. I got Nate to turn on a movie for me. I wanted a musical for whatever reason. My Fair Lady started as I sat on the exercise ball and used the heating pad on my back during contractions. I moved so that my knees were on the floor and I leaned over the ball. Nate laughed at me as I was singing "Wouldn't it Be Loverly". We also made the final name choice watching the movie, though I hadn't really noticed that a character in the movie had the name we picked. It was really coincidental.

K and C arrived at about 5:45. I wanted her to check me. I was worried that I wasn't too far along. I was at a 5 with a very soft and reactive cervix. It was encouraging. I went from a 5 to complete in just a couple hours with Cordelia so I hoped it wouldn't be too long.

We hung out and discussed musicals and how my sister and I would annoy my brothers endlessly with our songs when we were kids. Baby was sounding great and though I was a bit tired I was feeling like things were moving along, despite not having textbook contractions. They prepped the room and got everything ready while I labored.

Cordelia woke up briefly and Nate took her back to bed, where he slept a bit too. I tried reaching my sister so she could come over and take the girls to her house, if needed. I took another shower and tried to do different things to pass the time and get away from the pain a bit.

Around noon (I really don't recall, though!), K, checked my progress and there was a cervical lip left and the baby just wasn't quite getting it. He was also posterior which was not ideal. He still sounded perfect and seemed perfectly content in there as he kicked around. K encouraged me to try to get my water to break by sitting on the toilet. Instead, I tossed my cookies. K then said I could try being on my hands and knees to get the baby to move into another position. I tired very quickly of this. My body was just feeling quite done with labor. So baby stayed posterior for the time being.

By then, the girls were awake and going a bit nuts. Finally, we were able to reach my sister and she came and took the girls. Cordelia, my little protector through the whole pregnancy was not excited about leaving me.

By about 2 pm I was feeling pretty discouraged. It had already been longer than my other labors and I didn't feel very close at all. K suggested that she could hold back my cervix while I was bearing down during a contraction so that his head could move past. I wasn't certain I wanted to do this. I just wanted it to be over. At this point, I was really just beside myself. I just wanted my baby in my arms and for the pain to be over. This was probably my lowest point during labor. I was feeling very afraid and fragile.

Since my water had not broken yet, I took a bath. When I am pregnant, baths are my best friend. It was probably the best thing I could have done. It recharged me and I even got a little rest. I thought I might be able to get the baby to rotate a bit (I had gotten him to turn from a breech position in the bath several weeks prior. I prayed and asked God to get me through this.

I got out and indeed, he had rotated! We did what K suggested and after a couple times, it worked. Baby was moving past the cervix, bit by bit.

As 4 pm loomed, we discussed breaking my water. I was not overly excited about this because last time things went all to hell after my water broke. I wasn't about to have anything happen because I made that choice. Even knowing that women have AROM all the time to no ill effect didn't convince me. Eventually, I decided to do it. I just wanted it to be over. That was the "convincer".

After the membrane was ruptured, things of course, became more intense. I could not run away from the intensity. I was very slowly getting the urge to push, but I was so tired I barely made it through some contractions. Finally, at around 5, I had the urge to push. I could feel the baby moving down. And when my body decides to push, it really decides to push. It really just takes over. It took 3, maybe, pushes to deliver his head. I needed a moment to recover so I could deliver the rest of him. It all happened so quickly I couldn't believe it. Nate got to catch him and he was handed to me. He looked great, just perfect. He cried a little but mostly just wanted to look around. I commented that he didn't look like he was 9 pounds, but my midwives assured me he was at least that.

Frederick James had arrived at 5:08 in the afternoon, right before sunset. I was hit by the massive hormone rush. I did it! He was here! He was alive and he was mine. All 10 pounds and nearly 23 inches of him.

I delivered the afterbirth, though it took more of me than I expected, things got cleaned up, we were fed and then we just enjoyed our little guy. The newborn evaluation was done when he was a couple hours old and he was just perfect.

My sister and my brother-in-law returned with the girls. Cordelia had fallen asleep, so she didn't meet him until midnight that night! Cecily was a bit shy and seemed almost in awe that the baby was really out!

It was just beautiful. I still don't think I am totally down from that high. It was an incredible experience.

Birth Story Part 1: Being Ready

2011-03-16T02:34:00.002-04:00

It has been nearly 2 weeks since the birth of my little guy and already the specifics are fading quite quickly. I am going to try to get the birth story written in the next couple days.

As I am sure you know, I had very great apprehension as my due date neared (guess date to be precise as I conceived after only one post-partum cycle). March 4th loomed large and because I was measuring large and feeling even larger still, I couldn't shake the feeling that he would arrive before then.

Wanting to be sure everything was going well, My midwife, K, sent me for a biophysical profile on the Monday before. I felt confident that baby was still head down as he had been for the few weeks prior following a very short turn being breech. I was praying that all would look well. It did, though baby was sleeping during. Of course it gave me pause when the tech wasn't getting as much movement as she wanted. All was well. Healthy, head down and likely over 9 pounds. Deep sigh of relief.

The next day, K came over with C, the apprentice (these were the two at Phineas's labor), and J, my initial midwife for the pregnancy with P who would be assisting. We had a great visit. We talked and laughed and discussed when he'd be born. I told them I had a feeling it would be very soon. I was hoping for Wednesday. All three of my babies had been born on Wednesday. It was my parents' anniversary, my grandfather's birthday, and apparently Dr. Suess's as well. Strangely, it was also the 11 month anniversary of P's death. I talked about my fears and we discussed Phineas a little bit too (can I tell you how great it is to have company to speak about him so openly?). They listened to and felt the baby. Perfect, probably 9 & 1/2 pounds. That afternoon I napped a bit and got some last minute things ready.

Before going to bed, I had a couple good contractions and felt like it (labor and birth!) was coming and there was no turning back. Of course, I didn't sleep well. Contractions every 10-20 minutes as I dozed between them. I eventually got an hour or two of mostly uninterrupted sleep. I got up. More contractions. I called K to give her the heads up early in the afternoon. I still felt like I had a good several hours left. A friend picked up the girls and took them for the evening while Nate and I hung out. My contractions had petered out and while they were still coming, it was only every 20-30 minutes. So, we waited. Nate put the girls to bed and then came and gave me a blessing. A blessing that I could rest and that the delivery would go smoothly. I went to sleep at about 11 pm. No Wednesday baby this time. I tried to rest. I knew the baby would arrive the next day.

Dreams

2011-02-03T13:36:00.002-05:00

As I sit here huge and pregnant, with mere weeks left until I deliver, I was thinking about the very few dreams that I have had. People often talk about dreams during pregnancy, speaking to their anxieties about having a baby and being pregnant in general. I have never really had many of those. There was the dream of Phineas during Cordelia's pregnancy, a small one during Cecily's (of a girl with brown hair, not her!) and two during this pregnancy.

Early in the second trimester, I had a dream that I had given birth to a boy, healthy, with my favorite name (of course, we have decided to use it). He was blond and gentle and grew very fast. Then one day, Nate brought home another boy, a young toddler with strawberry blond hair and a button nose. In the dream, he had another name, but it was Phineas, though I had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't Phineas. How could that be possible? That he was alive and we had somehow forgotten about him. Soon I was in a store and the older boy was crazy, like many toddlers. He kept running away from me. I just couldn't keep him next to me. I wasn't worried about the younger boy, I was sure he'd be calm and waiting for me in the shopping cart. I woke up worried, that I would just forget Phineas, that I would never be able to keep him near me. I have struggled with how to keep him near despite all the craziness that is going on in our lives, including our new little boy, the one who just waited patiently for me.

Last night, I dreamed about this baby again. As the delivery is nearing, my anxiety level is going up, worried about whether he will be breech, if he will be born safe and well. I was holding my belly and, somehow, I felt a little hand near the top. I thought, oh no, this baby is breech again. The hand about grabbed onto my finger and I was able, to lead him head down. I woke up to a sunny morning and a feeling that somehow he will be able to guide himself and me to a healthy birth.

I pray every day that this will be the case. Today I am choosing to believe and have faith that this will be. Please pray for me that this will be.

Name thing

2010-12-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. While we chose a unusual name, it came with an up and coming nickname. Finns are everywhere, and mine is not. Four years ago we chose that name. It fit. It was and is his name, and I don't regret using it. It just cuts a little harder than I thought it would. Damn.

Thanks Giving

2010-11-27T03:16:00.002-05:00

I wanted to thank you all out there for your kind words an responses. I have written so many things for this blog and neglected publishing. I feel like I repeat myself so much. I guess I think life has so much repetition that it sort of makes sense. My logic and justification and faith all running in circles. Maybe I will learn eventually.

Thanksgiving was great. I came home last night feeling on a higher note, on a bit of happiness, I guess. We had a wonderful meal. I love getting into cooking and baking. We enjoyed the company of just a couple family members and a small handful of friends. I thought I would miss my family traditions, but in a way, I suppose we have made a bit of a new family here.

There is so much I have to be thankful for. I can't express how richly blessed our family has been since last November. I truly can say that I have so much gratitude for our little boy. He has been a gift in so many ways. I ache for him, and miss him, but I cannot deny what a powerful force his life has been. He has changes us, caused us to grow. Be more connected through the long hours we spend apart. Phineas was and is a gift. A pure gift.

There is a lot of stress these days, and I worry that it can get the best of me. I just have to keep moving forward. Trying to be better. I have such amazing children. My daughters have just been remarkable. They are sensitive and smart and caring. They are not perfect, but they teach me.

I am so grateful for Nate. He is juggling a lot right now, and I give him so much grief. We have been married for 7 years and I have looked back and thought how crazy it all was for us to meet, get engaged, and marry in such a short time. We have changed a lot, but our love has increased so much more than I thought it ever could.

God has richly blessed us. Though I may not know the end from the beginning, I know that He is there for me. I could not have made it through these last 8 months without Him as my guide. That is the thanks I have to give.

It's Still Me

2010-10-03T02:45:00.002-04:00

I know that this blog has become focused mainly on losing Phineas. I wonder sometimes if it has driven some people away from it. Like maybe I am just harping on about something. I suppose I have a hard time feeling "up to" posting about much else. Weird to put it that way, but it seems a reasonable way to describe it. I am still silly sometimes and I have fun with my daughters, I still love movies and talking about names. It is just colored differently. Here, though, I feel private enough to just spill about how I feel having lost a child. No, that is not who I am, but it is shaping who I become. Things that were once happy become bittersweet, changes often bring anxiety accompanying excitement. I'm still me. I am the same, but different.

Over the course of a few weeks following P's life, I learned about others. Others like me. Others that were more than acquaintances. And I had no idea. Others walking around with that hole in their heart that was missing. They hold their lost ones close, but you would never know by looking at them. I guess part of me wants people to know. Not for the pity, but for the assurance that my child really did exist and I want others to know about him. Just to hear someone speak his name out loud makes me beam.

It's still me. I am still a mother. Now I have three, but only two that I can cuddle, yet even they are getting big for my lap. So for now, this is a place where I can speak his name. Phineas. He is my son.

Half a Year Away

2010-09-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

So it is after midnight, yes, but today marks 6 months since my little boy was born. Not sure why it affected me so much. Every time the 24th rolls around each month, I have a moment, I think, but I got through month marker number five without much trouble. Six months feels so long. I know that the next six will go by so much faster than those that preceded. Changes, so many changes.

I already feel my memory fading. Just today, while looking at a cousin's pictures on Facebook, I stumbled upon a photo of Phineas that I had never noticed before. I am sure my mother-in-law took it and sent it to family over the phone. It ended up on Facebook the day P finished his cold cap therapy. I was sort of taken aback. It was an angle that looked different from other photos we have of him. I felt like it was a revelation, like I was already forgetting what he looked like. I thought that I had memorized everything about the way he looked and felt. I hope that does not fade too much, but I know it will and I will have to rely on photos.

I feel so far from him right now, I wish I were closer. I meant to snag the photo to put with this post, but alas, I cannot find it now. Sort of like my memory, I guess.

One of those days

2010-07-02T21:11:00.003-04:00

Today is the 2nd. It has been 3 months since Phineas passed. So far, his death date has been much easier to handle. His birth date is the one the strikes me down with the remembrance of the awful events that occurred. It is another Friday, three months since that Good Friday. His death was so peaceful and right. Not right, but right in the sense that it was the right decision.

I have been thinking so much lately about some of the things that I felt before he was born. About a prophetic dream I had 3 years before he was born. So many things that lead me to believe that he was never meant to stay.

When I was pregnant with Cordelia, we didn't find out her gender until later in the pregnancy and we both thought that she might be a boy. One night, after we had discussed some names for boys, with Phineas being the front-runner, I had a dream. I will not give all the details as it was a sacred experience for me, but it was profound and oh so correct.

I dreamt I was recovering in the hospital after having a baby boy. One that I hadn't properly seen. There was a flash and that was it. There were people around me and they were discussing his name. That Phineas was the right name, but that John should be his middle name. There was a distinct urging for us to "remember". Then, there was a flash of pain and blood on someone's hand.

And so it was. Despite all my best laid plans. I was going to have a home birth. And yet, he was born in a hospital. I saw merely a glimpse of him as he was wheeled out of the OR. I recovered in a dark room. Flashes of pain and shock. And his name was Phineas John.

Throughout my pregnancy with Phineas, I always had this strange feeling. Like I wasn't really pregnant, that I wouldn't really have a baby. I couldn't bring myself to talk about how he might fit into our daily lives. I couldn't think of it, I could not imagine it. I had a hard time preparing for him, buying clothes and other things felt really strange. Like it didn't matter whether I did it or not. I felt a lot of guilt and shame for these feelings. It wasn't that I didn't love him or want him. I did so very much, but I just couldn't see these things coming to be. I could not explain it. I thought maybe that I was just busy with the girls and overwhelmed by the move and Nate's long work days. I am sure it was not just that now.

We were struck by lightning. His life was so brief and the manner of his delivery was so rare, it feels undeniable that all these things all connect. It was going to happen. It was really meant to be.

After the dream, I thought that by "remember" we were meant to remember an ancestor named John and that Phineas would carry on that name. Now, I am sure that we were supposed to remember our Phineas, the sacred prophetic dream, his sacred name, his sacred life. He has changed us. Improved us. In some ways, I think he saved us. All of these experiences are sacred. I am so glad to have him. I hope that I will continue to remember him and honor his life.

Nothing More

2010-06-11T18:51:00.002-04:00

I start to feel normal and then it hits me all over again. I was wishing I could see Phineas grow. But I can't. What a weight to bear. I want my baby so much. Life feels so incomplete. I don't know that it ever fully will feel complete. I have the rest of my life here to live without my child. The road ahead seems unending.

Happy Birthday, Cordelia!

2010-06-07T00:22:00.002-04:00

Today, well yesterday now, was Cordelia's birthday. She had a great weekend celebrating her birthday. She told everyone who wished her happy birthday that she was no longer little anymore. She is still a squirt to me! I am so thrilled to have a little girl like her in my life she is so full of energy and happiness.

I don't have any pictures as of this moment, but my sister has some, my camera was out of juice. For her THIRD birthday we shopped, went to the park, had chicken nuggets a la Leigh and had a red cake she picked out herself. She wore herself, and us out, sufficiently and happily. It was a really nice weekend. If only we didn't have to go back to the daily grind.

What Hurts The Most

2010-06-05T01:19:00.004-04:00

Tonight, my beautiful 4 year old asked where her baby brother was. After Nate answered, she asked if we could go get him. He said no, we couldn't. She said "I want my baby brother!" Breaks my heart into a million pieces once again.

Nate told me that after what I had heard that she said, "Maybe tomorrow we can go to the moon and ask Jesus for our baby brother back." Oh, Cecily, how I wish we could.

Mirror of Erised

2010-06-04T02:38:00.003-04:00

I need a little humor in my life right now and Awkward Family Photos is one of my favorite sites. Though I can see the humor in this photo, I was also struck by sadness upon seeing it. It reminded of The Mirror of Erised in the Harry Potter series, where Harry sees himself with his deceased parents. Dumbledore tells him that the mirror shows your greatest desires, but warns him that you can waste your entire looking into the mirror. Sometimes your greatest desires are unreachable.

And so it is with me. Looking at what might have been. Flashes of a different future. But then I think I cannot waste my life wishing for something that will never be. I do have hope for what is to come. I need to let go and hold on all at once.

Sunrise, Sunset

2010-05-30T19:36:00.003-04:00

There has been a lack of writing. I have done a lot in my head, but when I go to put those thoughts down, my mind goes blank. The last week has had so many ups and downs it is really a roller coaster.

I have thought a lot recently about how life and death are so intertwined. How quickly death followed the almost life of my little son. He never truly lived, except in my womb. He was the most active baby I have had. Always moving, changing positions, stretching out and curled up. He was so full of life. This moving is ultimately what caused his death. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think there was a moment that Nate, our midwife, and I all felt that he truly passed on the way to the hospital. He was so close to life, but he was dead. Then he was resuscitated and brought back. It was truly only a half life. I am not sure how much his spirit was even in his body those nine days. I did feel watched over and like he was merely there for us. He had what he needed and was gone.

I have been struck by how often such things used to occur, when infant death were much more commonplace. Women went into giving birth prepared for death. Death of their baby or their own. Death lingers so close to this pinnacle of life. Most of the time, the outcome is just as it should be. Healthy mother, healthy baby. Not all are so lucky though.

When you look at a picture of a sunrise or sunset, it can often be hard to tell which one it actually is. What separates them is so small, it is an opening or a closing. Sometimes it is indistinguishable.

I suppose in a way it does comfort me. The sunset isn't truly the end. There is always another sunrise.

8 Weeks

2010-05-19T22:41:00.003-04:00

Today was 8 weeks since Phineas was born. I am doing OK after a couple really hard weeks. The reality of it all is so heavy and overpowering. There have been good moments too. The good moments are increasing I think, and then the hard ones come at those quiet moments, creeping up behind me when my mind starts to wander. I miss his so very much.

Yesterday was Nate's birthday and it was good. I am grateful for him. So very grateful. We had a good evening at the movies and then we had a cake. It was nice to feel a bit more normal again.

I just feel tired and stretched a bit too thin. I am trying to get through it. Walking in the morning, staying busy during the day, trying to accomplish things. Ah, I will get through it. I will.

I Meant to Write Something

2010-05-12T16:12:00.002-04:00

but I didn't.

I survived the last few days. They were hard. We received his death certificate in the mail on Friday. Strange. Mothers Day ways OK. Bittersweet. I was asked at church by someone who doesn't know me how many children I had. Without hesitation, I said, "Two." Then I felt guilty about it. But to explain I only have two living would be much harder to say and she probably didn't care to hear about it anyhow. Then the last few days I have just felt awful and heavy tired and sore. And hurt. I fell down the stairs twice in less than a week. It is the third time living in this house. Gah, I didn't know how much more I could take.

So I didn't write. I am now, but it feels only half-hearted. I am feeling better but sometimes I am just surviving and that is all I can do. I think sometimes of a quote from a movie. "I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?" And that is it. I gotta keep breathing and living. It's OK. I don't know what the future will bring, but I hope it includes happiness and healing. But for now, I am just surviving.

Out of the Nest

2010-05-07T23:03:00.003-04:00

Today I went with my friend to her elder son's track meet. The kids were running around playing, Cecily and Cordelia with two other girls around Cecily's age. Calvin, my friend's younger son who is 10, was walking around the trees near the track. He came over worried about a baby bird that was on the ground. Calvin was wondering what he should do to help this little bird. Truly, there was nothing he could do. There was no nest to be found and the little bird could not fly. The fledgling's parents were also incapable of saving it. How sad it is to come across a situation where the outcome is so bleak.

And yet, that is the way of life, one false move, one simple misstep, one moment and the world can change. Death is such a common thing. It happens to every being. Everything with a spirit only has a limited time in their earthly state. Some lives are long and others are so very short. I posted something a couple years ago about how incomprehensible the death of a young child would be. How funny it all seems now. I have now gone to that precipice. I have seen my young son barely live and go on to somewhere I cannot. He has surpassed me. There was nothing I could do about it. I was helpless. My own fledgling out on his own, not able to survive.

That is how it is with death. One moment we are living and going about our day and in another moment it could all change. The only consolation is that while he has shuffled of his mortal coil, Phineas still lives. Always my perfect little baby. Always mine. All is eternal, even the little bird today. I do pray that I can remember that.

Another Day

2010-05-03T17:21:00.005-04:00

Yesterday marked one month since Phineas' death. I felt more trepidation about the day he would have been a month old. The day of his death was actually rather peaceful. It was hard, yes, but I felt strength that day that I can't describe.

It was so strange. The night before we made an appointment for his death. The thought of doing such a thing is almost sickening. We were supposed to be there at 4 to sign the papers. They had to have two doctors there to sign. The attending doctor, who at first I thought was so distant, but who ended up crying with us over his death, and the resident who was an all business know-it-all.

I woke up that Friday morning feeling nervous and sick about it all. I was not sure how I would absorb it all. Our bishop's wife came an picked up the girls and we drove to New York to the hospital. We received a call from a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and she said she was on her way to meet us there.

We arrived and went to his bedside. I stroked his head and little toes while they told us what would happen. We decided to wait in the "transition room" (basically a storage room with a bathroom attached, where we stayed for two nights) while they removed the tubes and wires and cleaned him up. They brought him to us, beautiful and sweet, and his heart was just barely beating. I could feel his spirit near, like he was there reassuring me. We each got to cuddle him with our family members near while he slipped away. The photographer took some wonderful pictures. Then, everyone left us alone with our sweet boy.

By then, he had been confirmed dead, but I just wanted to hold his little body for as long as I could. His hands and feet. His cute little ears just like Nate's. I couldn't imagine letting him go. We cried together over our little boy lost. We wanted him so.

Eventually, I had to give him up to the hospital staff. I put him back in the bassinet and the nurse wheeled him down the hall and out our sight.

That was it. I felt great peace, but my heart was still an ocean of sadness and longing.

So yesterday, didn't feel to bad, but Nate and I just felt overwhelmed and anxious the whole day. I think, inside we knew. A month gone. A lifetime over. A lifetime left to live. We just have to get through it, one day after another. I hope we make it.

Irrational and Not Okay

2010-04-28T00:17:00.003-04:00

Another rough day. It was cold and dreary. Nate was pretty down this morning and I had a restless night. The house went from pretty good, to a complete disaster today. The girls were whiny and then Cecily chopped of Cordelia's hair. I just didn't feel up to much. I am still fighting a cold and it shows no signs of going away.

I drove down to Nate's office and when I was at the intersection where you turn to go to the cemetery, I thought about him. I thought how his poor little body would be so cold. It felt so irrational. I know he is not there. I just kept thinking about how perfect he was. He was so beautiful, with his little button nose, nearly 9 pounds at birth. Strawberry blond hair and big feet. I can still feel his soft skin. Just so perfect, like he could have woken up any second. Oh, how I wish he had!

It seems so many thoughts I have feel so crazy and irrational. I feel angry about people having healthy babies, and angry at pregnant women for complaining over their discomfort. I know, I did complain a little, but most of them will end up with a pink and crying baby in their arms. I can't stand that my innocence about pregnancy is gone. It does not always turn out.

So today I am not okay. I am so incredibly heartbroken and angry.

Living On The Moon

2010-04-26T12:39:00.004-04:00

One of the hardest parts in dealing with Phineas' death has been helping the girls deal with it. Being 4 and almost 3, the idea of death is hard to approach.

When I was pregnant, the girls knew that we would have a baby soon and that he would come out of me. Cordelia was a bit resistant to the idea because she has been the baby for so long. Eventually, they were both excited at the prospect and they would talk about him and then they would use Baby Phineas as a character in their games and play. I knew they would be great sisters.

Then, when I was in labor, the girls were sort of confused, but they got the idea that the baby would come soon and that the midwives were there to "help push the baby out" as Cecily said. Cordelia was particularly interested in what was going on and wanted very much to be a part of it. They were up late and my sister was with them and entertaining them. I was excited that they would be present for the birth.

But, instantly everything changed. My sister, thankfully took them downstairs to play in the basement with their toys while the commotion of the emergency vehicles and moving me out of the house happened. They were none the wiser and they eventually fell asleep.

When I arrived home in the morning, not feeling great and without a baby, they were confused. Eventually they started asking questions about where Phineas was. We told them the hospital but didn't have the heart to tell them much more.

Unfortunately, they were not able to meet him. I think that is one of my greatest regrets, but I am still unsure of how they would have reacted. I thought they would be confused and wonder why he would not, or could not wake up. That their requests to bring him home would be more frequent. Those would always drive me to tears.

After he passed, they continued to ask for him and about him. We told them that he had gone to live with Jesus. I think it would satisfy them, but they could sense how sad we were. Phineas continued to be a part of their playtime. An imaginary baby, really. We showed them pictures to help the understand, but I am not sure how much they get.

Then, Cecily started to talk about how Phineas was "living on the moon with Jesus" and I wondered how she got to that conclusion. Then I remembered a movie that had a character die and her essence floated up toward the moon. In Cecily's mind, that is what happened to Phineas. I am grateful for this.

Still, every once in awhile, the wounds feel raw and open again. We have to remind them about Phineas. Last night, we watched a movie where a character had to say goodbye to his friends and go back to normal life. Cecily started to cry about this, and then started to cry about how she wanted her brother. I felt my heart break once more. We all wanted him so much. I think I underestimated how keenly they feel and know about our whole family's loss.

Sometimes I feel like I have let them down, like I have deprived them of their brother. I hope though, that this is not the case. They have a brother forever.

I hope they continue to keep Baby Phineas in their play. That he will always be a part of us. Even if he now lives on the moon of their imagination.

Handbook For Grief

2010-04-22T17:35:00.003-04:00

When your baby dies, no one at the hospital gives you a handbook for how to grieve. Especially not one you barely knew. There is no one to tell you how you are supposed to get through it. No one tells you about the ups and downs and going through the process time and time again.

I know there is no right way or wrong way. I want to go back to normal but I do not want to forget. As irrational as it may seem, trying to move on can fill me with guilt. Doing normal, everyday things can feel like a betrayal. But then, I think, what is the alternative? To be awash in sadness every moment of the day? No. My friend told me that after her sister passed, she had similar feelings, but that your mind and body want to protect themselves. They don't want to feel pain. So, we escape. And that is OK.

Then, some days are hard. Yesterday was not easy. Phineas would have been 4 weeks old. I imagined a little bit of what my girls were doing at that age. That's when the emotion comes crashing down. In some ways, it is like you are standing on a beach, right where the waves are coming in. The water will pull back and you will barely feel wet and you feel like you can move quite easily. Then a wave comes and you can take it. It isn't too bad. And then there are those waves that take you by surprise. They don't look to bad, but then when they arrive, they knock you over. It is a process that repeats over and over.

Some day, my feet are barely touched, and others, I feel much deeper, with waves of emotion making me almost incapable of control. I cannot allow myself to get too deep, as i know I am a person prone to depression and guilt. Having my girls around from day to day really helps. I think the pain would be unimaginable if I had no other children. I know someday, I will walk higher on the beach, further away from the tide and better able to appreciate it.

I have to convince myself that I can be happy. That is what Phineas would want for me. And I should not feel guilty about it.

A Changed Life

2010-04-19T10:52:00.000-04:00

About a month ago, I thought about posting on here about how much my life had changed since I last posted. I was pregnant, we had moved cross country to Connecticut, Nate was working for a film company and we were just trying to get settled in a new place and getting ready for a new baby. If I only knew what would happen.

I can't help but think that, somehow, it was all meant to be. Why? I can't explain, but so many things lined up in such a way that we lost our child. It is so hard to say the words out loud. It is easier to type them, but only just. It has been nearly a month since our little Phineas was born.

It was going well. Things were progressing nicely with labor at home. Baby sounded great and I was almost completely dilated. My midwife encouraged me to get my water to break. After the rush of fluids came a foot and a cord. My whole life changed. What was meant to be peaceful and full of joy became a harrowing ride to the hospital trying to hold my baby in.

I knew from the look on my midwife's face that my baby was dying and I had no way to stop it. I was wheeled into the OR but they had me push since the baby was so far out anyway. Moments later he was born, barely alive. It was so quiet there in the room as they worked on him. I was in shock and freezing, my body shook uncontrollably. Fear gripped me and I just waited to hear one thing, the cries of my baby. But I never would.

He was stabilized but had suffered severe brain trauma due to being deprived of oxygen. They transferred him to another hospital to undergo cold cap treatment. It was his only hope. It would hopefully put off some of the brain damage and allow his brain to heal itself.

I left the hospital 9 hours after he was delivered and agonized over what would happen. The next days we kept vigil at the hospital, hoping for something to change. After his therapy was over, the prognosis was still very poor and we had doctor after doctor repeating it.

We knew the prognosis, but we still felt like there was a reason to hope. We went to church and attended the temple. We felt peace that all would be OK. I struggled with this a bit because we thought it meant that he would be made whole, that he would be healed. I felt his presence, I knew he was there with us. And then, I knew, finally I had peace that all of these promises would be ours, just not in the way we expected.

April 1st, just eight days after his birth, the sun came streaming in our bedroom as I woke up and I just knew. It would be OK. But, it was time for him to go. I could not keep him longer. We told the doctors that we were ready to do "withdrawal of care" the next day.

So on April second, Good Friday, we let him go. They removed the equipment and we held him as he passed, surrounded by family. It seems so strange that I felt more happiness and peace on the day that Phineas died than I did the day he was born. I feel like his life was sacred, that there are many reasons, most, likely unknown yet, why his life was so short.

I miss him so much now that sometimes my arms physically ache to hold him. Sometimes I just fall apart. People are often asking how I am doing. Mostly, I say that I am doing OK. And it sometimes true, other times, it is all I can say.

I think now how much life has changed, but then, how much the same it is. My life feels so different now, but looks nearly unchanged. I have to find a new normal now. One where my son is a presence and a memory, but not physically there.

What you may want to watch... Maybe...

2009-07-20T03:18:00.000-04:00

OK, so I am backlogged on an entire month+ of events that I will get to shortly. I just wanted to share some things I recommend viewing. Netflix is my best friend. It is cheap and I get to see tons of movies I wouldn't otherwise. I like movies, so this is a good thing for me, especially as we don't have TV.

On to the things you should see:

Number 1:

John Adams (The HBO miniseries)

Being that I love Revolutionary War and colonial history, I was very interested in seeing this. Admittedly, I didn't know as much as I thought I did about Adams. This was well written, well acted, everything you expect. It really left me wanting more. I actually was pretty sad when it was over. I had no more story to look forward to. It, of course, ends when he dies so there is not much left to show. Seriously though, I loved it. I have actually started reading the David McCullough book it was based on.

Number 2:

The Women

No, not the new one. I haven't seen it yet, but I can guess now that I probably won't like it. It didn't get great reviews, but I will give it a try. No, no, I am talking about the 1939 George Cukor classic. I watched it again recently and one of the tings that I really love about it is that, unusually for the time, there were no men in the film. At all. But there is a cast of wonderful female actors in their prime, Norma Shearer, Rosalind Russell, Joan Crawford, to, quite literally, name a few. It is a true comedy gem. Yes, there are some odd cultural things, but I think it has stood the test of time!

Number 3:

Bleak House (The Masterpiece miniseries)

I thought this was a pretty good adaptation of the Dickens novel. It is one of his lesser known works and it is different from his other works. The multiple story lines weaving in and out are intriguing and make for a rather suspenseful watch. Be careful of the many plot twists in the story. I love the portrayal of Esther. Spot on. You won't be disappointed!

Number 4:

Slumdog Millionaire

I think I may be the last person on Earth to see this film. I quite enjoyed the unique approach to the story. Heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once. What more could a girl ask for?

Number 5:

Not One Less

A Chinese film by the director of the haunting "Raise the Red Lantern." This film is decidedly more upbeat, but still there is a bit of heartrending sadness in it. A 13 year old girl is hired to substitute a class of younger children for a month. The teacher admonishes her that there should not be "one less" student when he returns. She struggles with her new role and when a boy leaves to work in the city in order to pay for his family debts, she goes after him and tries everything she can think of to get him back. A very subtle film with a happy ending.

As an aside, the lead actress, crazily enough, attended BYU-Hawaii.

Number 7:

Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day

This film was different than I had expected. Better, actually. I wouldn't consider it to be brilliant film making, but it was quite charming and a sweet little story about how two women unexpectedly change each others' lives over the course of a single day.

I think I may have forgotten something, but I think 7 is a good number to end at. I will be back soon. As long as I don't melt in this heat! Whew!

It's Grandma!

2009-07-01T03:22:00.000-04:00

When Cecily saw this picture, she said quite distinctly, "It's Grandma!"

Yes, in Hollywood, age doesn't seem to apply much anymore (at least in certain circumstances) and Sheryl Crow looks great and very happy as a new (ish) mom. And yet, I couldn't help thinking that Cecily was partially right. Crow, at age 45, adopted this sweet little boy. An age at which, well, she certainly could have been a grandmother.

This is also not to mention that my own mother had me when she was in her 40s. It is hard for me to imagine the energy it must have taken my mother to work full time as an administrator, while also being a mother to 6 kids (four of which were 6 and under). I have discovered, very distinctly, how much I am not like my mother. Heck, I am tired and stressed enough having only two. Despite being a "young (fun) mom" I feel run into the ground every day of the week. Age is not everything!

I think my mom must have felt, from time to time, how different her situation was. Imagine the time I came home from school and told her that she was the same age as many of my classmates' grandparents. I bet she felt good about that, right?

Things have changed a bit. The average age of a first time mom has gone up. Even among our LDS circle, I am the youngest mom (at least comparing mothers of 2 and 3 year olds). Even still, it doesn't feel too strange. I am not too far off. Plus many people are having kids well into their 40s. There is no longer a "set" age for these stages of life. They very so greatly.

Maybe by my 40s I will be a grandmother, and I will probably look it according to Cecily's standards, but being a mother to a toddler? Probably not, I don't have that much energy.

PS: I think my mother has always looked younger than her years. The comparison to Sheryl Crow certainly agrees with what I have always thought.

Cordelia is 2!

2009-06-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it? I sure can't.

June is Busting Out All Over!

2009-06-02T01:32:00.000-04:00

No, this is not about the film "Carousel" but it is probably my least favorite of the Rodgers and Hammerstein films. The domestic abuse theme of the story doesn't hold much appeal for me. (A slap never feels like a kiss! Ha!). At any rate, I digress...

Can you believe it is already June? The year is almost halfway over and I am feeling sort of melancholy. It is so odd, as it is the time of year that used to bring great happiness. School is getting out this week and the summer vacation starts. It feels really odd. I am contemplating returning to school in the fall. It actually fills me with a bit of dread! Being a student hasn't always been my forte. I feel I need a bit of change though, and hopefully this will give me a bit of what I am lacking.

Summer has increasingly become my least favorite season. The heat, no AC, the general blah of it all really gets to me. Perhaps it will get better or worse when the kids are going to school and being able to spend more time with them and vacation and all that. Then again, the stress of a vacation is in the parents' hands. Nothing is carefree any more, is it?

I am just in awe of it all though. One more school year until my beautiful redhead will be an attendee and now we have a few mere days until my baby is two. Where has the time gone? Honestly it is just slipping away.

Yes, I am scatterbrained.

For your viewing pleasure...

2009-05-28T02:41:00.000-04:00

an Easter slideshow!

Easter was fun and Eliza came. I was really nice. The second set of pictures are from the Saturday McG Easter party.

Oh Ye Poor Neglected Blog

2009-05-21T01:19:00.000-04:00

I don't know what the deal is with me. I go through periods of blogging a lot and then nothing. It sure has been a whole lotta nothing lately. I may just forego pictures of recent (or not so recent, ahem, Easter) happenings, but they may appear soon. I will likely be just starting up again from the here and now.

Last weekend, we had the pleasure of seeing my brother and his darling wife for the first time in many moons. I am so grateful for that pleasure. They are a lot of fun to be around. My brother, of course, is always himself and he sure picked a sweetheart of a wife. She really just fits right in with our family's craziness. We made a quickie visit to CALM and just spent a bunch of time eating and playing games. The things we seem to do best, I think!

We also saw Star Trek, totally not disappointed in that one. It was awesome. So many Easter eggs for the fans yet enough broad appeal for those who claim not to even like the franchise.

I will be back. Soon.

Later!

A Motherly Day

2009-05-11T02:38:00.000-04:00

This is my fourth mother's day and it has been about the same as any other. Simple family meal, no gifts or anything. I am really OK with that. I think it is wonderful to show gratitude for the mothers in your life, but I find the holiday becoming increasingly extravagant, just as any other minor holiday! Ah well, I prefer simplicity.

The highlight was Cecily getting up to sing with the primary at church today. Mostly she just looked around and then appeared to say "you" and "do" at the very last lines of "Mother, I Love You." It was awesome.

Happy Mothers' Day!

March Review

2009-04-20T20:25:00.000-04:00

March wasn't too eventful, but we did have some fun. There was a lot of nice weather and some flowers. Here are a few highlights:

We had a playgroup outing to CALM. It was a lot of fun. Cordelia loves Luke and followed him around quite a bit. The kids loved the animals. Cecily preferred the birds and Cordelia is a big reptile fan.

We had an informal baby shower for two (well, three really) ladies. I had a nice time. It was at a funky little coffee shop in town, which I had never been to before. As far as the pregnant ladies go, two have had their sweet little boys!

Then my sister-in-law, Shannon graduated from the accelerated nursing program. All of Nate's family came (practically!) and it was a lot of fun. Cecily had a great time with her cousin Clara as usual.

Wow, that was pretty exciting, eh? More posts are coming, including the Easter festivities. I am getting back into the blogging thing again. I have just felt so unmotivated lately. It is picking up though! More soon!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2009-04-15T00:55:00.000-04:00

But all I have now are words and promises. I have been busy and sick. Yes, I am still alive and I have some updates ready to go. Stay tuned!

SWEET!

2009-03-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

OK, I always hate when people make my beloved books into movies. I always have to prepare myself for disappointment. Honestly, though this looks awesome! I love how the kid looks like Max and wears the wolf suit. I hope this is good!

Here's a link to the trailer.

Hello All! And some movie reviews...

2009-03-25T01:57:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! Sorry I have not posted. I don't know what is keeping me from posting, but I have procrastinated posts on our CALM adventure and Shannon's graduation among other things. They are still in the works, I will likely have them up soon!

I will, however post about movies!

OK, I finally saw "Twilight" and it wasn't that great. It was actually pretty blah and over dramatic. What was I expecting? I have read the books and they are enjoyable, lite fiction. The movie, took the teenage drama to a melodramatic and underwhelming level. I struggled to find some real semblance of character development. There was far too much staring into each others' eyes and saying whispery and slightly cryptic lines. It was not torture to watch or anything, but it didn't have the "this is really silly" guilty pleasure feel to it like the books have for me. It was just silly.

One thing that really got me was Jasper's pierced look and fluffy hair, I couldn't help laughing each time he came on screen. I am sure that annoyed Nate! It also just looked to filtered and overly contrasted. The "look" of the film was also greatly distracting. Not to mention Edward riding the invisible unicycle carrying Bella though the woods. Now that was riot worthy. Shoestring budgets are great, eh?

Ah, well, what can you do? I will probably continue my sheepy behavior and see the next movie too, I can't help it.

The other movie I recently saw was "The Boy In the Striped Pajamas"

I hesitated renting this because I thought it would be yet another really depressing Holocaust movie. Yes, it was very depressing and about the Holocaust, but it was intriguing. Well acted, well written and different.

The story surrounds an 8 year old boy, Bruno, and his family as they move to the country. His father, a Nazi commandant, has new duties overlooking a prison camp. Bruno sees this camp, which he mistakes as a farm through his window. He is curious about the farm and the strange people there wearing striped pajamas. He manages to get out of his house compound and befriends another 8 year old boy, Shmuel, in the camp. Bruno tries to figure out the purpose of this camp and to determine whether his father is a good man or not.

The ending is a bit of a surprise and is quite sad, so be prepared.

One thing that I suppose bothers me is that everyone has British accents. They are GERMAN! At any rate, I found the performances of Bruno and his mother to be very subtle but stirring. Great film!

More soon everyone!

Just Don't What To Do With Myself

2009-03-08T21:09:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. It seems my life has been just a series of colds and a very lackadaisical attitude for me. At any rate, I have some more posts coming! Please stay tuned!

At any rate, yesterday, I left my husband and kids home yesterday (they were sick and it was extra early for the girls due to the time change) and went to church by myself.

It was really odd, I got to sit through meetings in peace and quiet. It was weird, no crying or yelling, running away, diaper changes, throwing up. Nothing! I didn't know what to do with myself. I suppose it was nice, but I honestly missed the kids being there.

I guess there is still a bit of time left for me until I will enjoy a quiet Sunday. I don't think I am ready for that!

The Promise of Spring

2009-02-21T02:18:00.000-05:00

As much as I love snow, after a couple weeks of it I start to get stir crazy. My kids have also been really squirrely and antsy. So I was pleased that the weather was nice today, crisp but not cold sunny but not super warm.

The girls played and I took some pictures. It was nice and they got filthy with the mud and such. That wasn't a big deal as it was totally worth the time and energy spent.

The first flowers:

Sweetie:

Magnus:

Happy spring, though a few weeks away!

Hack Job 2: Revenge of the Scissors

2009-02-21T02:01:00.000-05:00

This was about a week ago, at any rate, but here is the story:

I had made a quick search after the first encounter of scissors. Apparently, I did not catch them all. I have also learned that the kids like to tag team their mother sabotage.

Cordelia makes a mess. I clean it up. In the minute or two it takes to do that, Cecily has some scissors and is chopping away again. It wasn't too bad.

Here's the first iteration of the clean up hair cut:

I did some extra trimming:

It is very short but I think it is cute!

I suppose I have learned my lesson, maybe not Cecily though!

Happy Birthday, Cr... Cinderella!

2009-02-16T20:06:00.000-05:00

I wanted to wish my lovely sister in law a wonderful birthday! Have a great day and make sure my brother treats you to a lovely evening!

PS. You are old. I get to say that for the next nine months or so!

Cookies

2009-02-13T03:51:00.000-05:00

I love to bake. It is one of my favorite hobbies, yet one that can be terrible for my waistline.

At any rate, Sunday I made some sugar cookies. "Cookie Hearts" is what Cecily called them. I made a double batch and sent some over to my sister who needed a bit of a pick me up. Generally, I just make a simple butter frosting, but my issue with that, is that it often is just too thick and rich for the cookie and ends up with a sugar overload. So I thought, why not a glaze? I took out my trusty Betty Crocker Cooky Book (more on that in a minute) and made a Browned Butter Glaze. The glaze was rich but not overpowering, very buttery with almost a caramel flavor. It went on thin and I was able to frost many in a very short time.

It is also very simple:

Melt 1/4 cup butter over medium high heat, until golden brown (the darker it gets, the more buttery it will taste). Add 1 cup powdered sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla (almond would work too). Color with food coloring. Add enough hot water to make a fairly thin glaze. Dip cookies face down and shake off excess. This should easily cover a batch of sugar cookies.

Central to my cookie baking is my Cooky Book. It was originally published in 1965. It contains the recipes of our most treasured family cookies (the best) chocolate chip cookies, molasses crinkles and many others. I am always finding new things to make from it.

A couple years ago, I was looking at the newspaper, and there was an insert that had a reprint of the 1950s Betty Crocker cookbook. As a free gift, you could get the Cooky Book! I had to look it up and check if it was the right one, as our original was missing its cover. I saw the sample pictures and pages and was certain it had to be it.

The holy grail of chocolate chip cookies:

It was! So, I told my mom and that happened to be what I got for my birthday. I highly recommend it. While it does include some oddities (Trix cookies, anyone?), there are some real gems in there.

New Title

2009-02-12T04:41:00.000-05:00

I was getting a bit sick of my previous title. It felt a bit silly. I am trying this on for size. If there is one thing I know about myself, I know that I am fickle. I get bored and I want a change! I find it very hard to represent myself in one way. I am not totally silly nor am I totally serious. I am not cutesy either. It is hard to find a balance sometimes with a website layout.

Let me know what you think. Bonus points for those who get the correct classic movie association.

Aaron's Birthday!

2009-02-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday was Aaron's birthday and we had a little shindig on Friday for him. I can't believe he is already 9. I remember seeing him just after he was born and I thought that he was such an adorable baby. He is a bit quirky, but is a really great kid. I am proud to be his aunt.

New Layout Under Construction

2009-02-11T14:22:00.000-05:00

I have a new layout and I am working on making it look good. I wanted something cleaner and brighter. I hope this will work for awhile.

Classic!

2009-02-08T01:50:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I suppose you could say that my sister and I weren't exactly normal. I guess I do remember a bit of what was popular with our peers in the early 90s, but most of it we weren't really into. We didn't watch much television, but we did watch movies. Of course, we loved "The Little Mermaid" and Co., but next on our list were musicals. Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals accounted for most of them. We would drive everyone nuts on car trips with the repetitive verses of "Do Re Mi" an the like.

As I wish to indoctrinate my own daughters into the love of musicals, I have started them young. Thursday night, we watched the great MGM classic, "Singin' in the Rain." The girls loved it. Music and dancing filled the screen and they were entranced. They danced to the lively songs and laughed at the silliness.

I was trying to decide what part of the movies was my favorite, and I kept thinking one thing was, but then another bit came on. While the plot is pretty sparse, there are so many classic lines, gags and songs that it can be enjoyed by just about anyone.

As a kid, "Make 'Em Laugh" was always a highlight for me. This was Cecily's favorite, unsurprisingly. She just cracked up as Donald O'Connor danced, fell over and made silly faces.

I know I cannot force a love of good movies on my children, but I can encourage it. They will have more musicals in their future!

Hack Job: Or Cecily the Stylist

2009-02-08T00:57:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday, while Nate was watching the girls, they hid in the bathroom and Cecily decided to cut her hair and also do Cordelia's. Cecily's was mostly isolated to the top of her head, which now includes a couple bald spots. All I would have to do is shave the sides and Cecily could rock the mullet!

This is an after my fix, her longer bangs just looked bizarre, so I mad them all short.

Cordelia got it all over. I ended up having to cut two inches off in the back, so no more pigtails for awhile.
Not a great picture:

After the fix:

I was pretty sad about the whole thing, but it is just hair and will grow back!

December Recap

2009-01-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

OK, I am finally doing this. I don't know why I put it off so long or even why I feel obligated to do it. At any rate, here was our December.

It was mostly uneventful really. Nate was working on his projects as always and we actually got a lot of things accomplished before the holiday. I didn't take as many photos as I would have liked, but what can you do? The girls loved everything Christmassy. We went around to the lights around Bakes and it was pretty fun. We had lots of snow the week before and the girls had lots of fun playing in it and having "snow bites" (I have some pictures somewhere, but I haven't gone through them yet!)

Christmas came and went pretty quickly, as usual. Christmas eve was spent cleaning and then going to the McG Christmas party. It was much quieter than last year, not all of the children were there! Then we drove home through the rain and fog and had our traditional homemade Chinese food fest with my family. Then we read the Christmas story and went to bed. Well, I played Santa a bit before bed!

I think the biggest difference this year was that Cecily had an idea of who Santa was and she was totally shocked to discover all of the presents he had left her! She was a bit taken aback at first. Then, we did stockings and breakfast at Kirsten's. Next, everyone came to my parents' and did the big present unwrapping. As that was ending it started to snow! We left as it was coming down quite a bit. Then we had the big H family dinner at my in-laws. Most of them were there, I even my the elusive cousin Heather! I had to keep checking in to see if we would be able to drive home that night. I discovered that much of T-town had no power. We were able to return safely and without too much trouble, thankfully!

A couple days later, Leigh and Eliza visited and that was a lot of fun. New Years we spent at Kirsten's making caramel popcorn and playing games.

Then, Melanie and family came down and we had a second Christmas with them. It was a bit of a whirlwind, but when are the holidays not?

Here's a slideshow, I don't feel like copying and pasting codes at the moment!

Hello, Mr. President!

2009-01-20T17:53:00.000-05:00

No matter your personal opinion on Barack Obama, you cannot deny the historical significance of this day. I honestly didn't think that he would make it this far. I just hope and pray that he will be able to do something good as president and remain a good man. That is what you can do. Vote with your heart and mind and pray for the best. You never really know what will happen, what circumstances will fall upon a president.

I am feeling a bit proud of my country right now. Anyone can be something, anyone can be president. Just to see the hope and the reaction of people of all backgrounds today has been one of the best days in my "political" life.

Hail to the Chief!

PS: I will update soon. I have just been sick and tired and a bit depressed for the last few weeks, but the outlook is feeling brighter!

"No Jesus Today!"

2009-01-07T02:57:00.000-05:00

Sunday was Cecily's first day as a Sunbeam (no more nursery!). This new year our ward switched times to 9 am. It is too early! Both of the girls were really tired when we got to church. The whole ride there, Cecily was whining and saying that she didn't want to go. We were late, of course, so we were in the foyer and waiting for the sacrament to be passed. She saw the picture of Jesus and loudly declared, "No Jesus Today!" Great start for a Sunbeam, eh? She brightened up a bit and seemed OK when she was dropped off for Sharing Time. By he time we picked her up, she was very excited and happy. I guess it wasn't too bad after all. I just can't believe she's so big now!

I will have Christmas pictures soon. I have procrastinated a bit, typical for me, I guess.

Don't know what to blog about...

2008-12-11T05:28:00.000-05:00

I am actually feeling nice and Christmasy as opposed to last year. Tonight we put the tree and some light's up, plus the advent calendar Nate's mom made for us. We have some yummy candles and it just feels festive. Yay! Not much to report around here, just doing stuff, living and readying for the holiday.

Trying To Be Grateful

2008-11-26T14:21:00.000-05:00

At the last general conference, Elder Bednar gave a talk about prayer. He suggested that perhaps we should pray sometimes without asking for anything. It really stuck with me.

I realized that when I prayed, I often asked for more than I said that I was grateful for. So for about a month, I kept thinking about it and finally, a couple weeks ago, I thought that I would take him up on this challenge. I have been praying mostly without asking God for anything, unless there was something that was very essential I needed.

It has actually made me feel much happier and far less stressed. Stress and worry seem to be a big force in my life. I have been grateful, and I have been given some of the things that I usually pray for. Just the spirit of gratitude in my life has improved it.

It really is just coincidence that I am writing this the day before Thanksgiving. But, I hope that I carry this spirit of gratitude throughout the year. I also challenge you to pray with gratitude. Let this holiday be the starting point.

Happy Thanksgiving!

3 Whole Years!

2008-11-17T02:17:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it? My darling Cecily is 3 yars old today! It has gone by crazy fast. We still don't know when we are having her party, but today we just had a cake and Cecily loved it. That was the highlight of having a birthday. I don't think she even realizes about presents yet!

Cecily is so much fun, but can be quite a pill at times, just as any toddler. Sh is very caring and extremely empathetic. That is always something that I have loves about her. She wants to make people happy and is always wanting to mend a problem when she sees it. She has a wonderful imagination is starting to come up with fun stories and scenarios. She still loves to dance and wearing pretty dresses. She also believes that she is a princess. She also loves superheroes and reading books. She certainly is a multifaceted little girl!

I love watching her grow and become such a big girl. I just have to keep up!

New Members of the Family

2008-11-14T01:44:00.000-05:00

Time may tell if I am crazy or not. We have new members of the family! My sister's cat, Yoda, got a neighborhood kitty pregnant (he has since been neutered). The mommy cat is such a sweet pretty thing, that I might have taken her myself. Unfortunately that wouldn't work as she is an outside cat.

So, sh had 5 kittens at the end of August. Hannah had been very insistent that we take one. (I think her ulterior motive was that she could visit it later). Nate and I thought about it and we thought we might get one. When the time came, we both thought that we should get two so that they could have a friend and playmate.

We wanted two girls. Originally, Hannah had determined that there were 4 boys and one girl. As it is rather difficult to determine the sex of kittens before they are two months old, three of them were seemingly incorrect. So the count went to 4 girls and one boy. It was under that assumption that we got "Socks" and "Button" both girls. I thought after a day or two that I should double check. One was a girl and the other a boy. Hannah turned out to be right on most of the kittens!

So, in the tradition of Princess Victoria Cherries, here is Sir Louis Buttons "Louie" (Formerly Louisa)

And Duchess Georgiana Socks "Gigi" (Cecily came up with the name Gigi!)

They are settling in well and have thus avoided death by child love! The girls are getting much better at handling them, there's a lot less neck grabbing and such! We have only had them a week and they are already bigger!

It is lots of fun watching them play and explore! It's great entertainment!

Halloween!

2008-11-12T22:49:00.001-05:00

OK, these pictures are not great by any stretch of the imagination. But hre are is an idea of our Halloween!

Nate was Wolverine (Huge nerd!), I was Rogue (slightly less nerdy!)

Cecily was the witch Kiki from "Kiki's Delivery Service"

Cordelia was a pumpkin. She has a bit of an obsession with them now!

Kiki, Little Devil, Draco Malfoy, The Joker, and a Pumpkin

We went to the trunk or treat downtown. It was loud and crazy. Cordelia loved it. She thrives on craziness!

Cecily had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction. Her tights kept falling down.

We also did one street of trick or treating. Both girls loved it! Even Cordelia banged on some doors. She would bang the door going, "Open, open!" When someone cam to the door, she would hold out her hands and said, "pease" and then "dey do!" She is so polite.

Then we had dinner at Maren's and Cecily smacked her nose on the stairs. She got a nice bruise for that, poor thing! That was basically our Halloween. Thrilling, eh?

Happy Birthday or So Not Worth It.

2008-11-12T19:12:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, we went to P.F. Chang's for our November birthday dinner. Actually, it was a lunch and my dad wasn't there, so it was more like the 3 girls and Cecily birthday lunch. November is our big birthday month. The 7th is my Dad and Kirsten's birthday, the 10th is my grandma's, the 16th is Cecily's, 17th Maren's and 19th is mine, etc, etc...

When we were younger, we'd have two birthday celebrations. One for Dad and Kirsten and another for Maren and I. This has been condensed into one, if any birthday celebration.

So, back to the food! We made an attempt two years ago for our November celebration to be at P.F Chang's. It had opened recently and we were not able to get in. So we had China Bistro out in the cold, on one of the few cold days in Bakersfield. Haha!

This year was to make up for it. I like the food there, but upon opening the menu, I discovered that their prices had gone up significantly, averaging around $13-14 per entree as compared to $9-10 that they were a few years ago. I mean, the food isn't that great. It certainly isn't worth $20+ a person. I mean, we can go to Panda Express (my family's favorite) for less than half and quite honestly, their food is more than half the flavor of P.F. Chang's. Of course, you pay for the service and all of that, but I am still not feeling it.

Some restaurants are worth it, but is P.F. Chang's? Meh, I am thinking not.

PS.

2008-11-11T02:40:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday to my Grandma! I will not say how old she is, but it is her birthday, nonetheless! I love you!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas?

2008-11-11T02:04:00.000-05:00

(I will do a Halloween post soon, I promise!)

I know that these are somewhat dismal times in a lot of ways considering the economy and the war and people like the thought of the most wonderful time of the year. ESPECIALLY for retailers, and boy do they have to get going early. I shouldn't be stressing about Christmas presents before Thanksgiving, but I am! And advertisements are telling me I ought to be!

I mean, I love Christmas as much as the next guy and have been known to watch a Christmas movie in July. But that is my choice. But with some radio stations playing Christmas music and the bombardment of advertisers, it is hard to avoid, even for me, who barely watches TV and hardly listens to the radio.

And then we wonder why we feel such a letdown come January. So much build up for just a day. (Hmm, sort of reminds me of our election!) If only it were just a little less stressful a more enjoyable. Simple and special. It makes Thanksgiving feel like just a warm up to Christmas.

One of my favorite movies is "About A Boy" and there is a moment where Will is at the market and he hears the Christmas song his father wrote. "November the sodding nineteenth they were playing it..." Of course, I love that because that is my birthday! Growing up, I never thought about Christmas until it was actually December. We had a little tradition of putting up some decorations on the first. Three or four weeks of Christmas is plenty. Enough to enjoy, not so much that you are exhausted with the idea by the time December 25th comes around.

So, that will be my mantra. No Christmas until December. Yes, I will be shopping, but there will be no carols and no decorations until then

Viva la revolucion de Navidad!

He Won!

2008-11-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I am excited and happy! Obama won! Woohoo! I am so thrilled by all of the people who went out to make their voice heard.

Plus, just about every other thing on the ballot went the way I voted. It is awesome!

One day more!

2008-11-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

I Voted, Have You?

2008-11-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

So, I braved the rain and the cold this morning to go vote! Nate had already voted by absentee voting, so I got to go by myself and cast my very first vote for president! Yay! It is exciting. I could have voted last time, but somehow with moving, name changing and switching parties, I got lost. Ah well, I guess it was one vote less for John Kerry in California. Hardly significant, I know, but still I felt like I had neglected my duty.

If you haven't done so already, get out there and vote! That is where the power is. I am so thrilled that there have been a record number of voters all over the country already today. Awesome!

I am on pins and needles waiting for the results!

Just a Slideshow...

2008-11-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

I put off going through pictures for almost a month. That's really bad because it makes me procrastinate and put it off further. At any rate, here are some pictures from the last couple months. Mostly of the kids playing at the park and at Grammie and Poppa's. Halloween pictures coming soon, but sadly, there are only a handful of those. Enjoy!

Ron Howard has a message for you...

2008-11-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Happy Hallowe'en!

2008-10-31T14:31:00.000-04:00

Oh, and PS: Here's our presidential candidates in costume!

Vote Obama on Tuesday! Even though most of my readers will not!

Murray Farms!

2008-10-31T14:13:00.001-04:00

Last Friday, we took a little jaunt to Murray Farms to get pumpkins and we had a great time. We went to the petting zoo and the girls loved it. The goats were definitely a favorite, Cecily's still talking abut them! We then went to their little store. Cecily did steal (later purchased, no worries!) an apple from their store. Apparently it was a yummy apple! Then they picked out some pumpkins and played in the corn. I think we'll have to make this an annual trip!

Getting Caught Up...

2008-10-29T03:09:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't written a blog in a month and I am sorry to the few that look here regularly! I don't know why, but I have sort of been avoiding it! At any rate. I figured I should get caught up with what is going on with us!

Nate's actually made money with his toy business! Yay! It seems to be picking up. Fingers crossed we will be able to live off of it in the future! Cha-Ching!

I have just been taking care of kids and not doing much that is super exciting! Kids are growing fast. Cecily and Cordelia are learning and improving their skills by leaps and bounds!

Last week, we had company in the form of Cecily's beloved Weeza. My mom had a meeting in Long Beach and Eliza needed to be picked up from Los Angeles, so we decided to make a trip of it. We went to The Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach.

I really loved the setup and it was really family friendly and easy to maneuver around in. Plus, it was a Tuesday and not very busy so that was a big positive. We got there around noon and the girls were excited and raring to go. They both like fish and so I thought that they would both love it! Cordelia immediately ran for the fishes and did not stop for anything! Cecily was a bit more reticent and was especially freaked out by the Great Sea Bass. Scary looking creatures!

Check this out:

Don't let this thing touch me!

Cordelia was much more hands on!

We took a break after the first floor out in the play area outside. Cecily loved the boat. Cordelia loved getting wet in the fountain area! She also touched the rays and some starfish. Cecily eventually touched an anemone inside, though, but she was too scared to at the beginning.

Here, birdie, birdie!

All Aboard!

Well hello!

I wanna play in the boat!

After lunch and looking at the "silly otters" Cecily got much more into it. Plus, I think the tropical fish were much more to her taste than the googly eyed cold water fish.

Both girls called these the "boing boings." You know in "Finding Nemo" when they bounce on the tops of the jellies?

Miss Cordelia presents... FISH!

Excuse the messy face!

They loved the divers! One even played peek-a-boo with Cordelia.

And yes, we found Nemo!

The frogs were cool:

And Dude, there was a turtle there. Totally!

The jackpot! Nemo and Dory heaven!

Can you spot the creature?

The kids participated in the animal parade. Basically, 5 kids with foam creatures, tambourines and music. Thrilling!

They got to see the sea lion up close and Cecily loved it and called the seal a tiger. You know you have to have lions and tigers, right?

That was our day. We had a brief venture to IKEA and then had to hunt for the Baja Fresh, then keep Cordelia entertained the ride home, but all was good and we had a great time!

9, 10, 11

2008-09-29T16:33:00.000-04:00

So, last week, three of my five gorgeous nieces had their birthdays.

Wednesday was Hannah's and believe it or not she is 11 years old and in middle school. This is unfortunately an older picture of Hannah, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

Aubrie's 10th birthday was on Thursday. She is growing up so fast.

Her one year younger sister, Emily celebrated her 9th birthday on Thursday as well!

Happy Birthday, Girls!

Bun In The Oven...

2008-09-18T02:12:00.000-04:00

Guess What?

I am not pregnant!

That's not exactly surprising but the thought does make me happy. But, there are pregnant women everywhere. Three women who frequent playgroup all happen to be pregnant and due in the spring. This is a little scary for me, because pregnancy always seems to be contagious. Thankfully, non of my sisters or sisters in law happen to be pregnant. That would certainly be the kiss of death for my pregnancy free desires. I just can't seem to be pregnant on my own. So, I'll cross my fingers and keep my distance. Perhaps I'll take the pregnancy wave after next. Or the one after that. Maybe 12-18 months from now. Having two in close succession and one as attached as can be has taught me that there is only so much I can handle. Me being Fertile Myrtle, I guess we'll see how well that plan goes!

Maybe I'll have to wear that costume when the time comes, or have Nate wear this:

How ridiculous can these costumes be?

To all those pregger ladies, have a wonderful next several months. I will happily and gratefully watch from the side!

I Feel Bad That I Hadn't Done This Sooner!

2008-09-13T03:52:00.000-04:00

I forgot my obligatory Happy Birthday wishes to my eldest nephew. Yes, Stephen turned (gasp!) 14 years old on August 26th. It's really hard to believe! I am an aunt to a high schooler. I suppose that it should make me feel really old, but I did become an aunt as a fifth grader! I think I was the first in my class. I suppose that is one of the things many people don't experience. It is one of the beauties of being a large family with some wide age groups.

I wish him all the best for his fifteenth year. I am sure in a blink of an eye, he'll be driving, and then leaving for college. Scary thought, but it is really just around the corner.

While I am handing out birthday wishes, Thursday was Clara's 3rd. She is such a funny little elfin girl. I love you!

Happy Birthday from Ye Olde Auntie Kathryn! I love you both!

I have a confession....

2008-09-12T01:10:00.000-04:00

I know, it's ben almost a month since I have done a blog post! I very nearly did several times! Haha...

My confession is: I love The Wiggles!

My sister's kids used to watch the videos and I didn't mind them too much. But, a couple weeks ago, my mom bought a couple DVDs for the girls and we have watched them and watched them and watched them. One is of a live show that the did and they are so funny teasing each other and just being silly.

Here's a video of my favorite song:

I even googled them and read about them on Wikipedia. Three of the original four met in school while studying early childhood education and for a project, they thought they could make a rock band for kids. They enlisted a friend of Anthony's (the blue guy) that was in a band with him in the 80s and together they became The Wiggles. That guy, Jeff (in purple) is Cecily's favorite. She says he is a "silly boy." Their songs are super catchy and it is not mind numbing to watch like some other kid stuff.

I am really into it, I guess! It doesn't hurt that I have had a longtime crush on Anthony. Who says you can't get eye candy watching kids programming?

The kids like it too, it's not just me, really!

There's my dignity, enjoy it!

Five Years, I Feel Old....

2008-08-17T02:55:00.000-04:00

I am sure it will only get worse from here on out!

Nate and I have been married for 5 years today. It seems really crazy, but it's true. 5 years and 2 kids later we still love each other and have a good time together! I am not too sappy with these kinds of things, but I definitely love him. Here's to the next 5 years Nato!

I Am Grateful

2008-08-12T04:03:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, we had a lesson on death. With a focus on the death of young children. It is so difficult to imagine the experience of losing a child. Today, it is pretty rare to hear of people losing their child whether near birth or losing a child who is an adult. We think that this should never happen to us. We are so insulated from death, well, at least I am. Most people that I have known that have passed were older. More the age where we feel people should die.

I am so glad that I have such healthy and vibrant children and healthy pregnancies. I cannot imagine the anguish of those who have suffered such losses. The gospel is so comforting and reassuring in these cases, but it is still a shock to your life and emotions.

I am so grateful for these little girls, as irritating as they can be some days. I just can't wait to see them grow and become their own people. I thank God everyday for these blessings.

Another Birthday!

2008-08-12T03:38:00.001-04:00

I am actually doing this on the day of, but, it is 12:30 am and I am watching the Olympics.

But anywho!

Happy Birthday to Landon. He had his birthday party on Saturday. No pics because my battery was out of juice.

Family Reunion

2008-08-12T03:02:00.000-04:00

So, the first weekend of the month, we had a H_____ family reunion in celebration of Grandpa H______'s 80th birthday. We had almost everyone there. 5 of the 6 kids and many of the grandkids and a handful of great grandkids were there.

Saturday, we had a swim party at the B___s:

Jolie:

Valerie's little guy, Kristoffer, who really seemed to like me!

After the pool party, we hung out at my in-laws and the kids played:

My cuties:

Jolie & Clara

Swinging

Wyatt's Ready For Battle

It's On!

Landon

This is for blackmail:

Lemme Out!

All three little ones together

Sunday, we all went to church and then had lunch and a talent show:

The B__rs had their turn

Jokes with Andrea:

The Mens Choir!

Marcus

Grandma and Grandpa

David played trumpet

Poppa got to hold the mama's boy!

AND the mama's girl!

Enjoying the show

It was a tiring but fun weekend!

Happy Birthday, Eliza!

2008-07-29T16:08:00.000-04:00

In my regular fashion, I am wishing someone a happy birthday after the fact. I will admit that I am really bad at remembering dates, as in what date it is on a particular day. But, I am really good at remembering dates of actual birthdays. Remembering it on the actual day, however, proves to be difficult for me!

Yesterday, was my sister's birthday. I talked to her on the phone and wished her a happy birthday, but I wanted to do it here too. Apparently, Elizabeth had a bad day yesterday, in regular family fashion. We must have a tradition in having bad birthdays.

I am very grateful that she is my sister. Growing up, we were almost always together. I always looked up to her and wanted to be like her.

I can say that she is my best friend, and Cecily's idol.

I hope that her next birthday is better. I love you!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

2008-07-25T16:23:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe just bears, or rather just one bear really. I was meaning to post about this earlier, but me being me, I forgot. Anywho, last weekend, the dogs were just going nuts and barking all night long. Come to find out, there was a BEAR in the neighbor's yard. I have never even heard of a bar coming all the way down here. It is likely that the poor thing was looking for water because it has been so dry lately. It hung out for a couple days under the neighbor's deck and even went into the crawlspace under their house. You'll have to excuse the lack of clarity, I did take the picture through a knothole through the fence. Yes, I am a nerd.

You check out some more pictures here.

It's been kind of a crazy year for bears here.

Anyone Wanna Be My Guinea Pig?

2008-07-24T02:49:00.000-04:00

Well, I need some practice taking photos in a session setting. I want to do some family and kid shots possibly even engagement shots. I won't charge anything, just give you prints at cost and I'd want release to use the photos for my portfolio. So, anyone want to be my guinea pig, or know anyone who'd be interested?

Mamma Mia!

2008-07-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

So, last night, we went and saw "Mamma Mia!" It was actually pretty sweet because we got in for free because Nate knows someone working there. We were actually pretty surprised by it. But hey, a free movie is always good!

Yes, we went with the kids. They actually loved it because of all the infectious ABBA songs. It was pretty mild content-wise with the PG-13 rating, which is great of course. It was really quite fun and enjoyable to watch, even Nate really liked it. Poor guys, they were greatly out numbered. There must have been 10 women for every man there.

The story was fun, but I had two major complaints: 1) My sexy Colin Firth was a gay guy (he did seem a bit uncomfortable in that position) and 2) The girl didn't get married so that they could travel around and have fun. What, you can't have fun when you are married?

Meryl Streep was definitely a highlight of the movie, she looked like she had a great time doing it.

I would certainly recommend it if you enjoy ABBA (even secretly), it was a lot of fun!

Some Pictures of the Kids.

2008-07-15T18:59:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, before my mother in law was off her feet due to foot surgery, they had three of the four C kids to visit. Baby Wyatt, stayed at home. So, I took some pictures of the kids playing. I have been in a photo taking rut lately and have been trying to get out of it.

The older kids were all posing, so it is rather difficult to get what I'd consider a nice picture.

Here is a sampling of the day.

Jolie, being weird:

Gavin was using a crutch as a gun:

Cecily and Clara loved playing together. It was a constant cry for "Cessy" and "Cwara":

Notice Cecily wearing a robot shirt with a skirt. This is typical of what she likes.

Landon sits still, so I got a few cute pictures of him:

Emily and Landon:

This tomato sorta tasted good!:

Hello!

She's pretty cute!

Clara's taking the slide:

My pretty girl:

Aubrie and Landon:

Aubrie with her flower and greens salad creation:

I hope you enjoyed!

Conjunctivitis?

2008-07-15T18:51:00.000-04:00

I haven't taken a picture to add to this yet, but this morning, Cecily woke up with her left eye plastered shut by lovely green discharge. It was and is quite puffy around her bloodshot eye. I have been trying to keep it clean and it's already looking better. It seems like there is always something to worry about.

Bleh.

Happy Belated Birthdays!

2008-07-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

To my lovely brother, Matthew Aaron! Tuesday was his 28th! Man, we are getting old! Well, maybe just him! I love you!

And also to my little nephew, Wyatt Edward, who just had his first birthday yesterday!

It's hot...

2008-07-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

and not having air conditioning sucks. I am not a person that is big on summer. I mean, in the winter, there is basically no end to the layers you an put on yourself and the blankets you can put on your bed. But in the summer, there is a limit to what you can take off. And quite honestly, I don't think anyone wants to see me go past that limit. Thankfully, it should be cooler tomorrow.

I am trying to think it through, and the only big advantage I see in the summer of things you can do is swimming. But, I have not been in a pool for well over a year, and that is really sucky for me. Oh well.

The kids don't seem to mind and they have been enjoying playing in the water. On the back porch, I set out some basins of water and little cups for them to dump the water. It is literally hours of enjoyment for them and the porch is basically shaded for most of the day. Cheap entertainment!

The problem comes when we have to come inside. When I am trying to get something accomplished, they are busy somewhere making a mess that seems like it will take as long or longer to clean up than the thing I was already doing. Talk about frustrating. It is basically damage control everyday, all day. But I guess I can say they are playing together mostly tear free. But their exuberance plus the heat has me exhausted.

Anyone want a two year old?

2008-07-02T17:43:00.000-04:00

Free to a good home:

A poop squishing (meaning in her hands), permanent marker using (on herself, sister and the couch), sister pushing, screaming and yelling, grandma's collectible playing, but totally cute two year old girl.

She answers to Cess, Cessy, Cessa and Cecily. She is not potty trained, she usually eats with relative mess. She will dance to music and be totally content watching a Disney movie.

Cordelia's Birthday Party

2008-07-02T13:12:00.000-04:00

June 21, 2008

Two days after our Disneyland adventure, we had Cordelia's birthday party. Every one of the S______ kids were there. Of course, we neglected to take a picture. But it was a very busy time and we had fun, but I was a little stressed out. We had some sandwiches and cake. Unfortunately, we do not have many pictures, due to an oversight with the memory card. Oh well!

Oh yes, and it was also my brother Soren's 30th birthday! Happy birthday to him!

The kids playing.

Trying to light the candle:

This thing looks good!

It was!

Here is a series of videos of Cordelia with her cake. All told, it's about 5 minutes.

Disneyland!

2008-07-01T03:33:00.000-04:00

About a week and a half ago, we went to Disneyland. It was a whole lot of fun to meet up there with Eliza and Leigh and also Matt and Cristina. Of course, we had to pick the hottest day of the week (high of 104) to go there. Of course, everyone knows how much I love the heat (yeah, right). We finally got there at about 11 and we had to park and go to the trams, which took some time. Not to mention, after we slathered the girls in sunscreen, both of them rubbed it into there eyes. That, of course, led to their eyes being irritated for much of the day! Poor things, needless to say, I felt really awful about it. I guess the benefit was that they did not get sunburned! Especially poor Cecily, my white girl.

Cecily was excited to see Cinderella's castle. (please excuse the quality of these photos, as most were not taken with my camera.

Though she didn't really get into it until she went through Minnie and Mickey's houses and....

Met the mouse himself! She was practically bursting with excitement!

Don't we look hot? No really, don't we?

Cecily got to ride on the carousel and on the Dumbo ride, while the other grownups rode the big rides in shifts, and Cordelia slept. She had a great time. At lunch, she zonked out for a solid two hours!

Then she woke up in time for the parade, which was actually quite cheesy!:

A nice pic of Leigh and Weeza:

Eliza channeling Kirsten a little bit here:

The last ride of the day. The park closed earlier due to grad night. Weeza is part cat.

Then it was time to watch the fireworks:

And head out:

We tried to avoid the rush on the trams and hung out at Downtown Disney. We listened and danced to a band and then finally figured out how to walk to the parking structure. We dropped off Eliza and Leigh and headed home. Finally getting there at about 2 am!

We had a good time, but maybe next time we'll go when it's not as busy nor as hot. Much thanks to Eliza and Leigh for inviting us along!

Piecing Together The Last Couple Weeks!

2008-07-01T02:32:00.000-04:00

I seem to go in spurts with blogging, I am not very consistent, but I have several events and tidbits from the last 2 weeks or so that I will share. Please be patient!

Questions...

2008-06-23T15:46:00.001-04:00

So, the other day while at Disneyland (more on that later), my lovely sister in law and I were discussing the questions people ask young people especially.

After you graduate high school, it's "What are you going to do with your life?" "Are you going to college?" etc. Then when you meet someone, it's "When are you getting married?" In Mormon culture, this question is especially prevalent because we are a marrying people, usually with short engagements. It feels almost incessant, and becomes almost a chore to answer.

Then you get married and the cry is "When are you starting a family?" "Are you ready for a baby?" Even sometimes, "Are you pregnant?" This sort of questioning can become draining. It gets almost ridiculous. At church, if you have been married more than a few months you get hounded, often very kindly, about when your prospective baby is to arrive. In my case and that of my sister in law, we wanted to be married for awhile. Just married, no pregnancy hormones making you into a fat faced (credit goes to Cristin), hormonal crazy person. I felt like I was really not ready for well over a year. It's OK, we certainly have plenty of time to "go forth and multiply" without being asked why not sooner.

For some, this type of questioning goes beyond annoyance to just plain inconsiderate. Infertility is very real and emotionally draining to couples who experience it. So, lay off the questions!

Of course, when you finally reach the point of pregnancy, more questions are thrown at you, more often by complete strangers. Everyone wants to know, when are you due, what are you having, do you have a name picked out? Ad nauseum. Yes, I am, it's a girl, yes, I know I am small, we're still discussing names.... Blah blah, blah....

Hurrah, a baby has arrived and then you are asked all of the stats. This is usually fine because most moms I know, especially new ones enjoy talking about their babies.

You'd think the questioning will end! Nope, not so! No sooner than your baby turns 6 months, the question of another comes up. Sheesh. So here I have my second beautiful girl and people are asking if we are going to "try for a boy." Sure, a boy would be lovely, but what is it to you? You do not need to know my private reproductive affairs! Thank you very much. And no, I don't really care whether I have a boy or not. The gender of my children does not make my family complete!

I know that most people mean well and are mostly just curious about your life and well being, but please, just let me tell you on my own terms and support me in the decisions I make! I am also guilty of asking these questions, but I try to restrain myself as I often do not know all of the other circumstances in someone's life.

I appreciate the curiosity and concern and I must prepare myself for the next round of questioning.

Happy Birthday, Little Bug!

2008-06-09T03:16:00.000-04:00

I was meaning to write this on her actual birthday, but it was a bit of a crazy day!

Last Friday, Cordelia turned 1!

Can you believe it? I can't yet. She is still such a little thing, it hardly seems like she could possibly be that old. But she is!

Cordelia was born at 12:54 pm on June 6th, 2007. She weighed 8 pounds on the dot and was 21 inches long. She had some brown and some blonde hair on her little head.

She's a great walker and is starting to be a talk: dada, mama, dut (duck), dod (dog), and dat (that) are her main words. She is still a bit of a peanut at 19 pounds and 29 inches. She is in the "right" size clothing for her age, sometimes a size smaller, and is about as petite as I would expect my kids to come. I suspect she takes after a couple of the great-grandmas. She still looks very much like her daddy, but I can see a bit of myself in her from time to time, especially in the personality department.

I am so happy to have this sweet addition to our family. She's our favorite little Wia.

All Quiet On The Potty Front...

2008-06-02T21:59:00.000-04:00

So, a couple months ago, I made a very excited post about Cecily going on the potty for the first time. So far, it has been the last as well. Very occasionally we get her to have some interest in the potty. And by occasionally, I mean maybe twice a month (since about a year ago). That's it. She has no interest in it whatsoever otherwise. She is 30 months old aka 2 & 1/2 years old. I don't know how to get her interested and I have tried a lot. I was told that a child that was ready would potty train in a week or so, and one that wasn't would take a month or more. I don't know the truth in that, but I don't think she is ready yet. I guess it will just be a waiting game until she's there. It does get a little frustrating when some of her peers are already there. But then others aren't. I suppose it's like any other milestone, she'll be there in her own time frame.

One year ago....

2008-05-29T19:17:00.000-04:00

I was just thinking about what I was doing a year ago. I was pregnant. In fact, May 29th was my due date. It was graduation season and the preparations for summer were beginning. The weekend before Cordelia was born, we had a high school graduation party for two of Nate's cousins (Alicia and Tyler) and I was bemoaning the fact that I didn't have a swimsuit to wear around my ginormous belly. As most people who know me know, I love swimming. But alas, I was stuck on the sidelines. Cecily at the time was just getting over her "water is scary" stage and she had a great time swimming with Grammie.

Another enjoyable part of the evening was having people tell me "tricks" to go into labor. Nope they didn't work, that was OK, if I had gone into labor that weekend, I would have had the on-call doctor that didn't do VBACs. It was for the best. I wouldn't have that much longer to wait to have her anyway.

I guess I have been feeling pretty nostalgic the last couple days as I have been going through and getting rid of some old baby things. I just don't feel like I will be having another girl any time soon, so I am not too worried about getting rid of stuff. Of course, I am keeping a lot, but only about a third of what I did have stored. That is good because we don't have a lot of room. I can't believe that my little babies are not going to be babies again. Cordelia is just about a toddler and has thrown a few tantrums in the last few days (good grief!). Cecily will turn 3 later this year and it's just happening much faster than I ever thought it would.

I am grateful for this last year, I wouldn't trade having my two girls growing up together for anything. I love them so much, despite how aggravating they can get.

Now, I am thinking of all those graduates and kids growing up. Next week, my first nephew, Stephen, will be graduating from middle school (er, promoted to high school). I can't believe how old he is. I will always think of him as that sweet curly haired boy, but someday I suppose I will have to face the fact that he is a teenager and almost high school student. How crazy is life?

Blogging About Blogging...

2008-05-28T12:27:00.000-04:00

So, I haven't thought of anything good to blog about recently, maybe my life really is that boring or I just can't think of anything funny or wise or insightful to say. I come on here almost everyday, secretly hoping that someone has made a comment, or that I will have a brilliant idea for a blog, but no, neither of those things are happening. I know people are visiting here and hopefully reading it and watching that silly Onion video, but it feels like my blog is stagnating.

I was talking with some lovely ladies at playgroup yesterday (who are also fellow bloggers) and revealed that yes, I am a blog stalker. I read blogs of people I don't even know or I barely know. I try to keep a low profile, I suppose that that is the voyeur in me working. I thought that maybe this was contributing to my own lack of blogging. I see others that are clever and interesting and I don't think mine measures up. That may be my own insecurities talking, but I am sure input would be helpful (ie: cmments!).

If only I could get more people who do know me reading my blog, or starting one of their own. Isn't that half the fun of the blogosphere?

OK, enough ramblings for now!